The Halloween trend for women, it seems, has been to get sexier and more revealing every year. I'd be lying if I said I think that's a bad thing, but there's a problem. Some things should never, ever be made sexy--like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Optimus Prime, or Ghostbusters.
The problem is that not everyone agrees. So there is a Sexy Ghostbuster costume. And a sexy Iron Man getup. And a sexy Optimus Prime outfit.
Unless your Internet connection lives under a rock, you've probably seen the sexy Chewbacca costume that made the rounds a couple of weeks ago. It's disturbing, but just the tip of the sexy-costume-trend iceberg.
I've done some digging at a wonderfully insane Web site called Buy Costumes and have hereby compiled a list of the 10 worst "sexy" costumes that would enrage, entice, or just plain confuse any self-aware geek. Starting with:
10. Sexy Ghostbuster
It would be easy to start this one out with a "who you gonna call?" joke, but that would validate that this costume has anything to do with the awesomeness that is "Ghostbusters" aside from a logo. I simply will not do that. The Sexy Ghostbuster costume contains a revealing dress, Ghostbusters-logo hat, and a fake Proton Pack. Because a real Proton Pack would be cost-prohibitive.
9. Sexy Tin Man from "Wizard of Oz"
I'm so confused here. The Tin Man is called the Tin Man, with "man" as part of his name. But they're calling this the Tin Woman. Whatever, the Tin Man showed no skin. Know why not? Because he had no skin, he was made of tin. That's why his name wasn't the Skin Man.
8. Ms. Kruger, aka Sexy Freddie
I get the idea here: You're a girl who needs to make a splash (slash?) at a Halloween party. You want to be scary and sexy at the same time. Combining the "Nightmare on Elm Street" villain with a short, ripped dress seems like a no-brainer, but I'm lost on this one. Maybe I'm a delicate guy, but the clawed hand isn't one I'd want to hold while bobbing for apples. Or any time.
7. Ironette, aka Sexy Iron Man
"Iron Man" has always been a popular Marvel hero, but unlike Spider-Man and the Hulk, he never had a female analog. I guess "Girl Iron Man" has no ring to it, and "Iron Woman" sounds way too much like my ex-girlfriend. Either way, Ironette is just dumb.
6. Sassy Captain America
I'm aware that we're living in a post-feminist world, and I'm very OK with that. I know the Army has female captains. But Captain America is not one of them. His name is Steve Rogers, and he fought in WWII, when women were unfairly relegated to the WACs or making bullets for the war effort or something. That said, I wouldn't mind enlisting in her army.
5. Sexy SpongeBob SquarePants
This is wrong on several levels, the least of which being that SpongeBob is a child. In his cartoon, he's a kid, and when accusations hit that he might be gay, the creator said he was, most likely, completely asexual. But this is Halloween, so people have to assign sexuality to him. SpongeBob. A child in a show for children. Any girl wearing this should be ashamed.
4. All the Teenage Mutant (Sexy) Ninja Turtles
Like SpongeBob, TMNTs were, well, kids. Teenagers, to be precise (it's in their damned name!), so this (here we see Leonardo, but they're all the same) has creepy connotations from the start. But I have problems beyond that: One, there were female characters they could have sexed up that would have been as fun. Two, this makes no sense whatsoever. And three: They look nothing like turtles. At all. They look like strippers who can't be bothered to try hard.
3. Sexy Optimus Prime
Hey, I get it. Who doesn't wanna be Optimus? He's authoritative, kicks ass, is voiced by the great Peter Cullen, and turns into a truck. With flames. But after viewing this costume, which, like the turtles, is an homage at best, I'll never see Optimus the same way again. Instead of a wise combat leader, I see a girl I'd like to make out with. (It's OK, I don't need my sweet, innocent childhood memories anymore, anyway.)
2. Transformers sexy bumblebee
This one falls into both the "looks nothing like who it's supposed to be" category and the "you're sexing up a naive character" category. It's far worse than Optimus, the Turtles, or any we've covered so far. And really, I could make this costume out of parts from Forever 21, some glue, and a pair of cheap yellow boots. If it transformed into a different costume altogether, it'd be OK, but it doesn't. Stay home, girl.
1. Sexy Brian the dog from "Family Guy"
Brian, you see, is an alcoholic womanizer. And a dog. A male dog. Look, not every character in every medium can be "sexified," and this, sexifying a chauvinist male cartoon dog, is pushing the limits of what can sanely be called acceptable by a rational human being. Or a rational cartoon dog. In fact, it's almost offensive. Maybe because I'm far more like the actual Brian the dog than anything in this infuriating costume, this year I'll just stay home and drink.