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Tattoo your Yahoo on the bottom line

The rumor line got a little steamy this week when one of my Yahoo! skinsiders told a tale of flesh, money, and ritual mutilation.

    The rumor line got a little steamy this week when one of my Yahoo! skinsiders told a tale of flesh, money, and ritual mutilation. According to my double-dealing deep throat, one of the staff producers at the online empire promised to have the company name, exclamation point and all, tattooed on his nether regions if the stock hit 50. Some of his cheeky cubemates even threatened to buy extra shares as the tushie tally crept toward the magic number. Much to his booty's chagrin, the half-century mark was eclipsed yesterday. His fellow Yahooters have already penciled in their colleague for a date with a long-haired biker brandishing an inky needle.

    But there's still time to back out...Today's close saw shares dip back down to 49 plus pocket change. Don't be a wimp--go for it, I say. Dropping your drawers to show the world some enthusiasm is always exciting, no matter how low your stock falls. One request: I'm not a big fan of exclamation marks, but in this case it's necessary. When tattooed across the tush, plain old "yahoo" would be a letdown.

    You might trust Yahoo!, but gratuitous uses of exclamation marks are normally a warning sign. One of my foxhounds was sniffing around the Web and came home with this rat of a site. "Offshore credit cards!" the title bar screams. "No credit check!!! Guaranteed approval!!!" Just send in a $100 processing fee with the application...

    This isn't exactly a revelation, but it just dawned on me why the Web so often reminds me of late-night local TV ads. Used car salesmen don't die, they just learn a little HTML and keep right on bleating, God bless their little bolo ties.

    Speaking of cheap plugs--you want Winnebagos? We're givin em away!--my cousins in the blueberry bogs of northern Quebec emailed me amidst all the IE 4 beta hoopla to complain about the Anglocentric angle of our coverage. "Quand est-ce que vous allez poster NEWS.COM en francais, eh?"

    I don't have any Skinny on potential News.Comme channels, but I do know that one company in Montreal wants to faire vivre le push to the Francophone Diaspora. Based in Montreal, Intellia wants to give French-speaking internauts their own channels. Apparently we won't see any proof to their pudding until the fall, just as my cousins begin to harvest their blueberries.

    French, Russian, Swahili: I don't care what language they're in, just push me your rumors.