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Study: iPad owners are selfish, unkind antigeeks

Research conducted among 20,000 people suggests that those who use iPads are power-hungry, selfish, unkind, non-altruistic, and the opposite of independent geeks.

So what does your iPad say about you?

Does it say you are forward-thinking, future-forward, for change, for progress and for a better world? Or does it say that you are a slightly putzish character who will blow $800 just to boost your lowly levels of self-esteem to around a +0.2?

I know you have been torturing yourself about this for some time. So, please say thank you to a company called MyType that took it upon itself to profile iPad owners.

MyType, which claims to help you "discover your personality type," examined the feelings of 20,000 of its own users on Facebook on the subject of Apple's magical revolution. And its conclusions might make you pick up your iPhone and make an additional appointment with your psychologist, confessor, or indispensable chatline companion.

For MyType concluded that those whose laps are adorned by the dancing pleasures of an iPad are members of a "selfish elite."

Clearly a power-hungry, self-centered iPad owner. CC Veronica Belmont/Flickr

Should you find this characterization slightly offensive, might I add that the company also concluded that iPad owners are power-hungry, unkind, wealthy, sophisticated, and disproportionately interested in business and finance.

Do you see yourself in this description, oh iPad owner? Are you the sort of person who sees a dying man on the sidewalk and simply crosses the road to avoid his pain? Are you the type who would happily sell your wife, mother, and child for an acronym in front of your job title? Do you fall asleep thinking about what percentage you are getting on your checking account?

While you consider this, might I offer you a description of your antithesis?

Apparently, those who are most critical of the iPad are "independent geeks." Yes, you Linux-loving, open-sourcing, hard-core-hacking, phone-jailbreaking, techy-tinkering die-hards are the most likely to see an iPad, see red, and see your way to ululating with venom at mankind's superficial plight.

Should you happen to be one of these people, please gird yourself for a cold blade abutting your spine, courtesy of MyType's Tim Koelkebeck.

He wrote on the MyType blog: "As a mainstream, closed-platform device whose major claim to fame is ease of use and sex appeal, the iPad is everything that they are not."

I delved a little deeper into the research in order to find the aspect that, perhaps, offers the most accurate depiction of the difference between the haves, the have-nots and the I'll-never-have-that-crap-in-my-houses.

MyType asked its guinea persons which of the seven deadly sins they are most susceptible to. The independent geeks, those deep critics of the iPad identified "greed" as their biggest weakness. The power-hungry narcissists, on the other hand, admitted to gluttony most of all.

Gluttony just beat out lust.

Surely, on hearing this, you will conclude that this is one of the most accurate pieces of research ever conducted in the twisted history of mankind.