Scientist reveals Santa's technology

I get quite a lot of e-mails from 7-year-olds. At least the content suggests they're 7-year-olds.

So I would like to dedicate the film I have embedded to them. For it reveals, once and for all--with a definitiveness that offers vast relief--what technology Santa Claus uses in order to bring the gift of, well, tons of gifts to the world's young and restless.

Larry Silverberg, associate head of North Carolina State University's Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering Department, has clearly spent much of his life attempting to solve the Santa problem.

I am grateful to WRAL in North Carolina for persuading him to finally talk on camera.

Silverberg reveals that the first elements in Santa's technological arsenal is a listening antenna beneath the snow. It is around a mile long and a mile wide and enjoys a mesh that picks up electromagnetic waves.

It seems that mere mortals now have electrocephelograms that feed off Santa's revolutionary brain-reading skills that tell him what children really want.

"Santa is a little more advanced," said Silverberg.

He's also apparently a little more advanced when it comes to relativity. For he has a relativity cloud, which is a "domain of space and time."

Silverberg explained that Santa and his reindeer actually spend six months within their relativity cloud delivering Christmas gifts. To mere mortals, this same space/time continuum is but "the wink of an eye."

Your eyes might already be spinning in irritable disbelief. However, you haven't yet heard about the nano-toymaker, which grows the gifts under the tree, hence obviating the need for Santa to lumber them about on some silly sleigh.

"Santa is not just a jolly old elf," explained Silverberg. He should know, because he claims he has visited him at the North Pole.

Some might imagine that Silverberg has imbibed a little too much ouzo. Others might wonder, though, whether he is quite serenely offering a very interesting vision of the future.