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Samsung hires soccer star Messi to save us from aliens

In an ad that must be seen to be understood, the world's greatest soccer player dribbles around apparent gangsters before being presented with an even greater challenge: saving us from green people.

"Oh, no. That's who we're playing?" Samsung/YouTube Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

The need to be saved is the most profound and basic of human needs.

We don't often like to admit to it, but it's always there, like an existential bunion.

Samsung understands this. Which is why it's hired the world's greatest soccer player, Barcelona's Lionel Messi, to save us from the most threatening of celestial presences: green people.

No, I am not referring to environmentalists, although, for all I know they are. Our greatest threat is green beings from outer space in outerworldly flying machines.

You might find Samsung's exposition of this threat a touch bizarre. For the majority of this new ad, Messi is dribbling around apparent gangsters, who are chasing him in cars and on bikes for no apparent reason.

I know he's had some troubles with the Spanish tax authorities, but this seems a touch much.

Perhaps they're not gangsters; they're merely representatives of world soccer (though, to be fair, the people who run world soccer have been accused of being gangsters).

When he's finally cornered by several cars, the man in the back of one of them turns out to be German soccer legend Franz Beckenbauer -- who has always looked like a movie villain.

The purpose of this chase becomes clear: Messi has been nominated by the world to captain its team in a soccer match.

But this is no mere World Cup Final. As Messi looks up, he sees that the opponents might play even more dirtily than the Dutch in the last World Cup Final.

For this is to be Humans vs. Aliens.

I fear for Messi (and for us all). The opposition might use all sorts of underhand maneuvers. Who knows what death rays they might be concealing in their shorts?

What if they have ten legs, rather than two? And might they be able to merely stare at the ball and make it change direction?

This game might be more unbalanced than the decision to hold the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where the summer temperatures resemble those on the Sun.

I wonder if Messi will be able accept this task. Last Sunday, he injured his leg against my Real Betis and will be out for the remainder of the year.

Or is this injury merely a ruse? Has he gone to the moon to train, free of gravity? After all, the game against the Aliens might be played in outer space.