The UK government has banned printer cartridges from aeroplanes and airports after a bomb was discovered in a printer ths weekend, ending the reign of terror by extremist office supplies.
Anyone who's ever worked in an office knows printers have always been a threat to our way of life. Years of fear, frustration and anger can now come to an end as officials ban printer cartridges heavier than 500g from the hand luggage of passengers leaving the UK.
Meanwhile, Hurt Locker-style suits are being issued to IT departments across the country to carry out controlled explosions on fundamentalist photocopiers and fax machines discovered to be terrorist sleeper agents, spreading terrifying terror in guerilla campaigns of atrocities such as the paper jam or not having the right drivers.
Terror Alert Level: Cyan
The printer bomb was concealed inside a toner cartridge on a Chicago-bound UPS courier plane refuelling at East Midlands Airport. The plot was discovered through intelligence sources, who told bomb police to re-check the cartridge after it had initially been given the all-clear.
Faced with the problem of bomb experts being unable to spot a bomb even when they've been told where to look, the ban on office supplies will be supplemented by making all bomb-disposal experts go on a refresher course that involves repeatedly watching the red wire/green wire scene from Lethal Weapon 3. The measure will also finally end the disgusting practise of stationery tourism, where foreign nationals come to this country to hang around in Staples.
Terror Alert Level: Aubergine
Components from a mobile phone were intended to detonate the bomb, so we can only hope a ban on mobile phones is next. We're surprised it's taken so long, as anyone who's ever boarded a flight knows nothing will bring down an aeroplane faster than someone sending a text. The bomb is likely to have been detonated by an alarm rather than a phone call. We hope it's an , because then we'll have an extra hour to defuse it.
Terror Alert Level: Delicious
Home secretary Theresa May announced the decisive knee-jerk reaction in parliament yesterday, telling MPs that printer cartridges cannot be shipped into or out of the UK unless by a supplier approved by the Department for Transport. The government has also suspended freight from Yemen and Somalia.
Terror Alert Level: Newport Pagnell
Obviously the security of people travelling through and working in airports is of the utmost importance. We're glad no-one was hurt. Banning arbitrary innocuous office supplies is exactly the sort of bold leadership from our politicians that will win us the War on Terror -- we're sure airport staff are all breathing easy, safe in the knowledge that Ryman's will never kill again.
Terror Alert Level: Jefferson Starship
Right, excuse us, we have a plane to catch. Passport? Check. Boarding pass? Check. Luggage purged of deadly weapons such as razors, stationery and water? Check.
? Check. And remember: if we can't make flying an arbitrary, pointless chore then the terrorists have won.