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&$@#! Periodic table of swearing cusses you out

Expand your curse word vocabulary with the $78,500 Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing. The one-off creation is covered in push buttons that trigger expletives from a refined British voice.

Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing
Cover the children's ears. Clay Interactive

The Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing speaks both to the giggling inner 12-year-old and stressed-out adult in all of us. It's a big, electronic table with push buttons that prompt a rainbow of cuss words and phrases.

The table is rife with variations on F-bomb expletives. You can guess what phrase pushing the "Mf" button triggers. There are also some milder insults like "silly bastard" and "stinks like piss." The table is a British creation, so some of the curse words feature charming Briticisms like "arsehole" and "bollocks."

Heavier swears are to the left while lighter and more infantile interjections are to the right. This would certainly spice up your next chemistry lab.

Swear buttons
I need to study element "Afg" a little more closely. (Click to enlarge.) Video screenshot by Amanda Kooser/CNET

All of this swearing just sounds so much more refined when it comes with a calm British accent. I imagine this is what Alistair Cooke would have sounded like when he stubbed his toe.

My personal favorite is "arseholes for goalposts." Maybe someone from across the pond can tell me what that actually means before I go out and use it in public.

The Interactive Periodic Table of Swearing doesn't come cheap. You'll pay about $78,500 to own this beauty for yourself.

The price tag is partly due to the table being a "one-off masterpiece of modern art," according to the product description. It took 300 feet of cabling, 300 soldered joints, and the combined efforts of Modern Toss and design firm Clay Interactive to create the cursing machine.

Put on your headphones if you're at work and check out the explicit language video at Firebox.