Part 2: Where failing used car salespeople come to rest: ShopNBC

In part one of this two part series, I introduced you to a young fellow named Elliot. Elliot, a blue shirt wearing, black-haired salesman on the ShopNBC channel was in the process of selling an HP notebook, an HP printer and a digital camera. If you're interested in his hilarious, yet amazingly error-prone dissertation on why you should buy this gaggle of goodies for a mere $1000, then head on over to this site. If not, then keep reading.

When I last left you, I promised stories of peer pressure, body building and Vista excitement. Luckily for you, oh faithful reader, I shall not disappoint. But I must warn you: if you have not read part one of this two part saga, please do not read on, for there are spoilers ahead.

As Elliot was describing the HP notebook with that "uncrashable" Windows Vista Business installation, he had an epiphany. Instead of wasting our time with sales pitches that just weren't working, Elliot decided to go back to school. How you ask? Well, instead of talking about the notebook's classroom practicality, Elliot reminded us of days that are best left in the past: bullying.

In Elliot's own words, this HP computer is something that "kids will be proud of." They will no longer need to walk through school telling everyone that they're using a Mac or those incredibly ugly Dells, why no! From now on, 9-year old Johnny can tell 10-year old Billy the Bully that he is proud to own an HP laptop featuring a 15.4-inch widescreen with Vista Business and an Intel Core Duo. Proud!

Elliot, obviously remembering his childhood, left nothing to chance. Instead of wasting time talking about 3D windows, he went to the jugular. He almost lost me before he pulled out his ace in the hole. But as soon as he mentioned peer pressure, I was immediately brought back to D.A.R.E. class with Officer Casey, and I melted all over again. This man, Elliot, had me on the edge of my seat.

But rest assured friends, this was just the tip of the iceberg. Next up, Elliot told us how lightweight this svelte beauty was. Tipping the scales at just under six pounds, this laptop is nothing like the rest of the laptops on the market -- those fifteen pound clunkers! Why, no! Instead of forcing you to use both hands, Elliot showed us all that he could lift this laptop "with what? Three fingers?!" And while this may sound like a simple feat, think again -- Elliot was a small man with some muscle issues, for sure. After all, if he can lift up a notebook with just three fingers, can you imagine what you can do with it? Just think of the possibilities!

Next up, Elliot went back to Vista Business. Instead of talking about its security and robustness, this time Elliot told us all about the excitement Vista conjured up when it was released in January. As Elliot put it so eloquently: "Vista is as exciting as the iPhone, DLP and 1080p!" Do I really have to say anymore on this one?

At this point, exhaustion finally set in. For well over one hour, I sat and listened to an obviously misguided man try to sell me a laptop that I never even wanted in the first place. Elliot sounded like a drop out at used car salesperson school. But, believe it or not, it wasn't over just yet.

Not only does "Vista business protect against viruses and pop-ups," this monstrosity is beautiful for one reason: "no...more...security...software. Just think of how much money you'll save! At least $400, wouldn't you say? Hahahahaha."

Lastly, the duo finally hit the nail on the head. While talking about the computer's advanced functionality, Elliot's blond-haired buddy unloaded a line that is still haunting me to this day: "This is the first time ever you can download movies."

And with that, my response, much like a death blow to your enemy, was swift and decisive: I changed the channel.