My CNET handlers don't waterboard me.
As far as I know, they haven't yet positioned a drone above my house.
However, occasionally I am offered an imposition that it is impossible to refuse. They make that clear.
"Hey, look," an e-mail told me. "Now you can haz your Twitter in LOLCat language. Happeh?"
I thought this a prank. It's Friday afternoon, so I was sure that someone must have opened a six-pack of Beck's Light.
And yet I was led by the nose to Twitter's official, verified Twitter account, where a tweet left no doubt.
It read: "Happeh Fridai! U can nao change ur language 2 lolcat in Settings. Hope u liek it. https://twitter.com/settings pic.twitter.com/1KAotWsu."
I know it is futile to ask this question. But let me: "Why would anyone want their Twitter in LOLCat?"
This would be similar in vein to "Why do people like to drink so much that they're sick?"
So I clicked on Twitter's helpful link, which offered the small mercy of making it easy to change my language setting to LOLCat.
Immediately, beneath my name arrived the words: "VIEW MAH PROFILE PUJ."
Below that was written: "COMPOZE NEW TWEET."
There was something tangibly relieving about the notion that the LOLCats language simply cannot improve on the word "tweet."
However, "Who To Follow?" had suddenly become "HOO 2 FOLLOW."
Because I don't read instructions on everything from rice packets to cars, I thought that if I tweeted something it would be magically translated into LOLCat.
Because I don't think for very long unless the incentive is great, I immediately tweeted: "Has everyone @Twitter gone Cats*** crazy?"
Please, I don't normally swear. Not unless I am awake and there is cause.
What I suddenly realized is that Twitter's engineering catalysts had not gone to the lengths of simultaneous LOLCat translation.
No, this language choice is merely an attempt to amuse you by having the standard Twitter words like "Expand" and "More" become "XPND" and "MOAR."
Hardly worth the trouble, you might think.
And yet I know that millions of LOLCat lovers, cat lovers or even Catfish lovers will experiment with this and stick to it because, well, that's just who they are.