Here's what you need to know before Black Friday: All products that aren't from Microsoft and/or don't use Windows are substandard fakes created by arrogant, superficial children who smell bad even after a shower.
On the other hand, Microsoft's products are magical, revolutionary and filled with the sort of genius that is currently a touch underrated in a society that suffers from veneer disease.
This is the only conclusion to be reached by the latest spurts of advertising emerging from Microsoft.
First, there was."
Now, here are two new Surface 2 ads that assault, yet again, that lump of old coal known as the iPad.
Microsoft has, for a while now, wanted you to understand that the iPad isn't all that.
Clearly, not enough people are yet listening. For here are two perfectly focused ads that show you why you should never, ever get back together with your Apple tablet.
The first explains that when you're cooking, your iPad will likely sample your pinot and can't stand up. Moreover, you have to use your sticky fingers or shout (if you've purchased a hands-free app) in order to make the perfect prawn.
The Surface never touches a drop, stands to attention, and responds if you merely wave in its direction. Yes, it's the perfect sous chef.
The second ad shows how the iPad wants to break up your family.
The Surface 2 lets everyone in the family have their own accounts and their own backgrounds. The iPad does not. Parents can monitor usage too, unlike in that pot-smoking, Californian free-for-all atmosphere on your iPad.
Both of these are valid arguments. But as time has forced us to believe, even when we don't want to, people are irrational. They don't necessarily buy gadgets for the features.
They succumb to nebulous impulses like feel, ease, simplicity, and looks.
Still, like a parent who knows what's good for you and what isn't, Microsoft is not going to give up.
Which, for the incoming CEO, is surely an admirable trait.