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New iPhone app scores sexual performance

It's called Passion and all you need to secure objectivity about your bedroom talents is to open it on your iPhone and strap it to your person while you perform.

We are all insecure.

Our noses are too big, too small, too pointy from the side. Our hair is too thin, if it exists at all.

And as for our ability to please a member of our target gender in the bedroom, well, admit it, we are all a bit freaked.

So a highly caring and simultaneously enterprising man called Chris Alvares has released an iPhone app that scores us objectively as we strive for sexual Kilimanjaro.

It's called Passion. And its heart is very simple.

In the hard sell at the Apple App Store, Alvares lays it on the line: "Passion works by using all of the iPhone's distinct features such as the microphone, accelerometer and many others to determine an accurate score."

The microphone? The microphone?

"All you have to do," the sweet talk continues, "is to start the application, put your iPhone on the bed, in an arm band, or even in your pocket and have inter*****e, it is as easy as that."

Goodness, that is easy. If a little on the clinical side.

This is the passion fruit flower. I prefer to keep decorum around here. CC Nganguyen/Flickr

While I wouldn't wish to comment on, or even discover, what anyone does while they are having inter*****e, I wonder just how comfortable it might be with an iPhone stuck in your pocket.

Come to think of it, the pocket of your what exactly? Don't most people, other than men in movies, remove their clothes for this activity?

And the "arm band" presumably refers to the sweaty thing you wear in the gym. Lordy, can that really add to the, um, passion of it all?

The words on the app itself are also strangely heartstopping. You know when the app is ready to score when it shows the somewhat schoolteacher-ish words: "You may start having sex."

Then there's the scoring system. You are scored on three basic parameters: duration, orgasm, and activity. And, just like many video games, when you are finished you are asked to submit your score or, um, "try again."

The app itself, which costs $4.99, has not yet been rated at the App Store.