Don't know about you, but the prison food at Litchfield Penitentiary on Netflix's "Orange is the New Black" has always looked horrifying to me. I wouldn't say that to Kate Mulgrew's tough-talking cook Red, but it's still a fact. And that's before the prisoners start messing with the trays that are going out to whoever they're feuding with. (Tampon sandwich, Piper?)
If you're thinking prison provisions look kind of good, or at least intriguing, get over to Singapore next week, when Netflix is sponsoring a temporary Litchfield cafeteria where you can actually eat.
"Come meet your fellow inmates, wait in line and stay hydrated with a tall plastic cup of our refreshing house beverage: water," the site reads. "The lunch-mates you'll make here can make or break your stay, so choose your seat wisely. Oh, and don't eat the pudding." ("OITNB" watchers will remember the pudding is so old, it comes in cans marked "Desert Storm.")
Learn the lesson that Piper never has, and watch your mouth. The site warns, "Do not under any circumstance criticize your food unless you want to be second-guessing the hygiene standards of your next meal."
The menu isn't just bread-and-water, though it's close. The site mentions corn, gravy, gruel, water and Nutraloaf, that disgusting prison punishment food where an entire meal is put into a blender and the resulting puree baked into a loaf of nastiness. Although chef Bjorn Shen told Mashable he's gourmeting it up with "mushrooms, cheddar, quinoa, pumpkin and nori."
If that hasn't sold you on a last-minute flight to Singapore, maybe the rave reviews from "OITNB" characters will.
"Brings me right back to that one time I tasted my dog's food. The turkey gravy wasn't half bad. Wait, that wasn't turkey?" writes Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett.
Warden Joe Caputo has a menu recommendation: "Go for the water. It's, uh, moreish and flavorful."
And George Mendez, the creepy former guard known as Pornstache, weighs in with some pretty important advice: "WE DON'T LEAVE LUNCH 'TIL LUNCH IS OVER."
Reserve now, the cafeteria is only open for lunch and dinner on June 16-17, marking the return of "Orange is the New Black" with all of season 4 on June 17.