Are your friends obese? Is the burden of too many Facebook friends weighing you down? Do you spend your days so concerned about those hundreds who hang on your every word that you can no longer function as, say, the CEO of a major tech company?
Jimmy Kimmel, the talk show host who isn't Jimmy Fallon, has a solution. He would like you to observe National Unfriend Day.
On November 17, he encourages you to remove some of the friend fat in your life. William Shatner helped Kimmel in his announcement by philosophizing: "These people on Facebook..they're not your friends. That's all."
So cast off those people whose updates reek of rancor, whose babies dribble with unhappiness, whose dogs look as uninteresting as their owners. Eliminate ex-lovers whose bodies and lives have sagged.
Unfriend everyone whom you haven't seen in real life within the last 10 years, unless they have emigrated to another continent or are currently serving five years for illegally downloading cartoons.
Tell your parents: "Look, Mom and Dad, I'm downsizing my life. I'm paring down my pairings. And you're just one of the pairings that has to go."
I know that many of you have mathematical tendencies, so you might also try to simply delete every second friend on your bloated list. Choose the odd or even numbers, I don't mind. Then see if you really miss anyone. See if you suddenly receive more conventional missives of pain, like emails, phone calls, or, most excitingly, late-night visits to your door.
Then, as your current lover, half-sister or supervisor stares at you with miffed mien, whisper to them as gently as you can: "It wasn't my idea. It was my friend Jimmy's."