Dear Children of the World,
I have a very important message for you.
A few days ago, a man in Kingston, Ontario, (look it up) turned up at the annual Santa Claus parade and began shouting that Santa doesn't exist.
I know, I know. He must have been a really, really mean man. Or just really crazy. Or he'd been at Dad's tequila.
You'll be pleased to know that he was arrested. However, I wonder if some of you might have lost a little sleep, scared that maybe Santa was really Uncle Jim in a silly red suit -- or, worse, an invention of a marketing company.
So I'm here to bring you good news: living proof that Santa is real and lives far, far away.
You see, from Christmas Eve at 2 a.m. EST (that's Eastern Santa Time), you'll be able to use 2D and 3D tracking maps to follow Santa's progress, as he descends among us, loaded with iPad Minis, Nokia Lumia 920s and two BlackBerrys for Auntie Janice the actuary.
All you have to do is go to NoradSanta.org and pan and zoom around Santa's incredible journey.
This amazing service is brought to you in conjunction with Analytical Graphics, whose very clever people really want you to get a complete picture of Santa, so that no miserable Canadian can never again try to tell you he doesn't exist.
Those of you whose dads and moms work at Google and Apple (so you hardly ever see them) will be wondering how these clever people can track Santa all the way from the North Pole.
Well, NORAD has placed Santa Cams all over the world, so that you will never, ever miss a thing.
Some of you -- the really insistent ones who can't help asking questions -- will be wondering who these NORAD people are.
You know that lovely song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"? Yes, the one recorded by everyone from Mariah Carey to Justin Bieber to Bruce Springsteen.
Do you remember how the song begins: "You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, Better not pout, I'm telling you why"?
Well, NORAD are the people who, every day of the year, sing to the rest of the world: "You'd better watch out."