What do you do after you, tell the rude passengers what you thought of them, open the emergency slide, and waft your way down it and into the public eye?
If your answer was "train to be a pilot," "try volunteer work," "have a talk show on basic cable," or "pose for Playboy," you would be heartily mistaken. For Steven Slater, perhaps America's most renowned former flight attendant, is to become the official spokesperson for the Mile High Text Club.
You might not be aware that there is a Mile High Text Club. After all, you are repeatedly nagged into turning off your cell phone before a plane takes off because your use of it in flight might cause your A320 to become two A160s. And yet the Mile High Text Club does, indeed, exist.
It seems to be some sort of promotion during which you should text your most lunatic flight stories and win dashing prizes such as a Line2 Gift Card that gives you 6 months of Line 2's extraordinary service.
Yes, this is all courtesy of Line2, which seems to be a bracing little app claiming to get you phone service where there's no phone service. Such as at 35,000 feet.
Naturally, to enter this fine competition, you have to impute a flight attendant's primogeniture, toss some stale salami in their direction, carry on a piece of luggage larger than Honduras, and wrap your seat belt around your eyes and claim you are traveling incognito.
No, wait. I got a little mixed up there. You have, in fact, to download the Line2 iPhone VoIP (voice over Internet Protocol) app. Which is, indeed, smaller than Honduras.
Slater's performance in the ad for the Mile High Text Club does remind one of a rookie flight attendant demonstrating the safety procedures on a Southwest red-eye to Baltimore. He tries to deliver the line "Easy as beating George W. Bush in a game of Scrabble" with wit, but it does seem rather forced. His cheeks, too, seem rather red, like those of a medical appliance salesman after his fourth vodka on the way back from a stent conference in Jeddah.
Peter Sisson, founder and CEO of Line2 provider Toktumi, is, though, enamored with Slater's grasp of the theatrical: "After talking with Steven, I realized that despite his dramatic approach--which he regrets--he was making a statement about the need to return civility and common courtesy to flying."
Flying is, indeed, such a dreadfully debasing experience these days that I am sure you will be rushing to share your crazy story with your fellow man and woman. Just don't, you know, try to create an in-flight controversy so that you can win. Not all publicity is good publicity.