How to survive the zombie apocalypse

Let's get one thing straight: the zombies are coming. They're coming soon. It's therefore imperative for both your survival, and that of the human species, to learn how to handle yourself when faced with the bloodthirsty shambling horde. We take you through some key tips to help you keep your brain safely in your skull.

Identify the undead: When someone approaches you, it's always best to make sure they are a zombie before you start going mental with a crowbar. Zombies will typically have a swollen head, damaged limbs and will no doubt be somewhat more keen to get close to you than the average commuter.

If you're not sure, ask your suspect, "Would you like to eat my brain?" if their answer is anything other than, "No thanks, I just had a chorizo panini," shoot to kill.

Have the right kit: You can't tackle the hordes in your dressing gown. Get some sturdy boots, a hard helmet and some sort of body armour. If you look like Marcus Fenix from Gears of War when you're kitted out, you're doing it right.

Love your weapon: Your gun is going to be your most useful tool against the walking dead, so make sure you keep it in good order. Talk to it. Get to know it. Ask it its hopes and dreams. Only then will you be ready to pull the trigger.

Don't let the zombies touch you: The virus is transmitted by bodily fluids, so it's important not to let the zombies get too close. If you think they're only coming in for a friendly cuddle, they're not. They're here to make appetisers from your amygdala and pre-frontal cortex.

Aim for the head: Taking out the head is the only way to stop a zombie. Shooting its knees off may be funny, but you're wasting precious ammo. If you take a moment to get your aim you can take the approaching zombie out in one shot. Boom.

Don't get trapped: Enclosed spaces may be great for hiding and crying, but when the zombies get in, there's nowhere to run. Always make sure you've got multiple exits and a clear path for escape. Chucking a few grenades behind you wouldn't go amiss either.

Always watch your back: It's all too easy for a zombie to sneak up on you from behind while you're busy snipering one in the distance, so make sure you're always aware of your surroundings. If you've got a friend with you, have them watch one way at all times.

Check the whole room: Barging into a room and having a quick scan just won't cut it. Before you lower your guard and put your gun down, make sure you've checked every corner, under every pile of rubble and around every door -- there could well be a hidden zombie just waiting for a slice of juicy brain pie.

Find the antidote: If you can figure out what's causing the dead to rise up and be so damn hungry all the time, you're halfway there to finding a cure. Then you can happily go about saving the human race and enjoying the riches and fame that are bound to follow. Of course, if you'd rather find a safe haven and barricade yourself in until the end of your days, that's fine too. Coward.

Stick to these tips and you're bound to survive at least a few days longer than most. Good luck, and stay safe.

To keep you occupied before the zombies arrive, check out our other how-to guides.

• Our thanks to wish.co.uk for providing Andrew with such excellent training.