In today's world, love is measured by the like, the follower, and the retweet.
If you don't understand why, you're not really human anymore.
I come, therefore, to offer advice on how to attract more love to your essence. Twitter love, that is.
In front of me I have the results of a research performed by TrackMaven, a company that says it's involved in "competitive intelligence." I don't think this has anything to do with those tests where you have to guess A, B, C, or D.
TrackMaven looked at 1.7 million tweets from more than 1,400 accounts to gather insights into what sparks retweets and what doesn't.
One result leaped out at me like a fully Botoxed lip. If you want to get more retweets, YOU SHOULD USE MORE UPPERCASE LETTERS.
It seems, you see, that people pay attention when being shouted at. Direct marketers have known this for some time, as have pitchmen on every single ad with a phone number at the end.
But how fetching that this even works on Twitter. I assume that if you're using lots of capital letters, people imagine you're offering breaking news. Or that you're gently demented.
Another quite moving conclusion is that Sunday is not a day of rest, nor merely a day of worship. It is the day when more people retweet than any other.
Might this be because they return from church with the idea of loving their fellow man still ringing in their ears? Or might it be because they drink more on Sundays?
In fact, might it be that another result of drinking more on Sundays is that people USE MORE UPPERCASE LETTERS.
I know that Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon will be depressed to hear that another factor in increasing your retweet ratio is the use of hashtags. These two fine humorists, the constant insertion of hashtags into communication.
There is one even more depressing intimation that makes my heart fall to where the rats live: it seems that placing six or more exclamation marks at the end of your tweets will incite more retweets. Yes!!!!!!
The most worrisome conclusion one can reach is that people might not actually care what you tweet before they retweet it.
Let's all try this experiment: next Sunday, just before 10 p.m. (most retweets happen between 10 p.m. and midnight, apparently), try tweeting this: "I WANT A RETWEET!!!!!!!! #LOVEMELOVEME".
I feel sure that all of our lives will feel exponentially more worthwhile by Monday morning.