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How to generate your own Steve Jobs e-mail

In an attempt to satisfy the vast demands of fanboys desperate for an e-mail from Apple's CEO, an e-mail bot is created. It ought to satisfy everyone's needs.

There are those who have. And those who have not. Regretfully, the majority are those who wish they had.

Yes, ever since Apple CEO Steve Jobs began to e-mail selected customers about selected issues, a whole world of humanity has wailed: "Why not me? Why that strange Scandinavian?"

These cries are being heard all around the world, but answers have not been readily forthcoming.

So some highly caring people at eSarcasm decided that this suffering could not go on. Eschewing all other tasks, they sat down to create an automatic Steve Jobs e-mail generator.

Now you, me, and everyone can receive an e-mail that, at the very least, appears to be from Apple's CEO. eSarcasm rightly declares that its bot is a magical and revolutionary creation, one that can ease the worried brows of so many fanpersons who feel that their voices aren't being heard.

So I thought I'd try it, on their behalf. I began with a softball, hoping that Steve would reply forthwith. I wrote: "Is the iPad wonderful?"

The Jobs generator immediately responded: "No idea what to tell you. But while we're chatting, do you know of a good beard-grooming tool?" Personally, I shave the whole thing off every 10 days, so I didn't feel that I could help.

So I tried another question: "Was the iPhone 4 stolen?"

Oh, if only you could. CC Kevin Spencer/Flickr

This did not seem to meet with a happy recipient. The Jobs generator replied: "No, I do not require weekly transfusions of blood from teenage virgins. I don't know where these rumors get started. But if I have any other uses for teen virgins I'll let you know."

Stunned, but not entirely put off, I asked a third question, one that really got me somewhere closer to joy.

"What do you think about Gizmodo?" I asked. The reply was as swift as it was definitive: "Aren't you the same guy who asked about anal bleaching last week? Stop e-mailing me."

I then ventured where few have gone before. "Do you secretly like Bill Gates?" I asked.

The virtual Jobs went for the old "weak signal, can't hear you" ruse: "You are most likely in an area with very low signal strength. Don't like it? E-mail Randall Stephenson at AT&T. Let me know what he tells you.

I confess I did become slightly suspicious when I entered "iPads and feminine hygiene?" and got the very same response. But perhaps I had misspelled something, so I asked the same question again and received: "Beautiful, magical, wonderful, blah blah blah. I already told you it's great. Stop asking questions."

For one last roll of the dice, I went for something a little more personal. "What do you do on weekends?" I asked.

"I'm meditating and mulling over how awesome I am right now. Please e-mail back later," came the slightly tetchy reply.

Perhaps you will have more success than I in gaining a reply that you can proudly show on each of your gadgets to members of your target gender in bars. I await news of the most interesting and heartwarming responses.