It's time this country addressed the real issues.
Things cannot go on the way they are and cometh the hour, cometh the man. That man is Newt Gingrich.
No, the great Republican doesn't want to impeach the President, repeal Obamacare and institute conscription for everyone aged 15 and older.
Well, those aren't his current priorities. Instead, he believes that for America to progress we need to call the cell phone something else.
Please, this is serious.
In a video posted to YouTube on Friday, Gingrich made his case, while waggling his encased cell phone.
"If it's taking pictures, it's not a cell phone," he declares.
It's not a cell phone if you can access a McDonald's app or watch a YouTube video, either.
"Think about it. This device is something new and different," he continues.
Well, it's not so new. Many can't remember a time when such things weren't around. But Gingrich would like you to know that he has never, ever, referred to it as a cell phone.
"I've been calling it 'a hand-held computer'," he insists.
He's decided that this is now misleading. We should listen. Gingrich has always been technologically forward. Why, he's one of.
"While it has the computing power of a 2003 laptop," he explains professorially, "its real power is not internal computation. It's real power is networking."
Please, I don't want to spoil the rest for you. I have feelings, as have you.
Please merely let me add that your country needs you to find a new word for the cell phone.
I am not sure whether there is a reward. The only true reward, though, can be in the change that you can effect. Change that everyone can believe in. Change that will enter the language and alter lives.
I feel sure that someone out there can solve this problem. Who will it be? Al Gore?