BlackBerry Thumb is just the start: A warning from 2016

Crave blogger Eric Mack's brain was recently commandeered to deliver a warning from the future about all those silly-sounding gadget-related ailments you're at risk of developing. Take heed.

BlackBerry Thumb is nothing. Just wait until you see what the future holds. Screenshot by Eric Mack/CNET

Greetings Americans in the year 2012,

I'm contacting you today from the not-too-distant future with a warning for the people of your time. A major health care crisis is just around the corner. No, it's not the one you'll hear political candidates jawing about this fall, and you shouldn't listen to them anyway since one is a robot and the other is an alien (which will surprise you in about 18 months when All is Revealed.) Rather, it's the increasing incidence of tech-related ailments that comes from dumping more digital devices into the lives of your aging population.

But first, a little about me.

Using the new "Google Past" feature on my "extended reality" headset from Huawei (made possible by the remarkable advances that have taken place at CERN in the past few years and the generous permission of our benevolent new leaders in Beijing), I'm able to project myself from the current year, 2016, back to your present day, three years before the Greatest Compromise will make most of you full-fledged citizens of Foxconn.

The latest preexisting medical condition. CNET

Thanks to a quantum exploit in Eric Mack's Bluetooth headset that most of you won't even be able to conceive of for the next two years, I've taken control of the blogger to draft this warning to people of your time. (Don't worry, he's fine -- I temporarily transferred his consciousness to an old iPhone 5 I have lying around, where, ironically he thinks he's been cruising the Web for iPhone 5 rumors for the past hour.)

This morning, as the sun rises over ironically named Linux Tower in Downtown New Shanghai, I am barely able to muster the energy to compose and translate this message from the combination of thoughtwaves, facial expressions, and pounding motions that have replaced the written language of your time.

There in 2012, you are just beginning to acknowledge the signs of the sad fate that has befallen me here in the future. Although maladies like BlackBerry Thumb and Wii Knees were first discovered in the previous decade, few of you heeded their initial warnings.

More recently, many of your comrades have been plagued with the likes of Touch-Screen Finger, Text Neck, and the dreaded Smartphone Saggy Face. Yet still you mock these disturbing trends or try to cover them over with plastic surgery.

It won't work. Take it from me. Here in the year 2016, two years after the Western World's private and public health insurance programs were consolidated into the Foxconn Funtime Feel Good, Yes Please! health factory #2, my case of "text neck" has devolved into a diagnosis of "Neuromessaging Non-Neck" and my Wii Knees have become indistinguishable from my "Atari Ankles" (what an amazing, but ultimately painful comeback they had.)

What I'm saying is, you might not be able to prevent your entire society from being consumed by the very corporate structure that keeps you fat and happy with shiny devices after the great Microsoft debacle of 2014, but you might be able to prevent those devices from making you so fat that it's impossible to be happy.

To you, Game Controller Claw and Tablet Slouch may seem like conditions to mock, but that's because pointing and laughing are the only things you've learned to use the Internet for so far. But maybe it's time to take the warning seriously.

Start in this election year by urging your lawmakers to lift the ban on human cloning. Your body won't last forever, so urge politicians to get started building your new one now. And while you're at it, ask them to get started on a new body for me. That way, hopefully I'll have it tomorrow.

We've sent signals from the future before to try and warn you, but you dismissed them as "Phantom Vibration Syndrome," so today I'm reaching out directly. But this will likely be your last warning -- the future I describe is very profitable for Foxconn Funtime Feel Good, Yes Please! health factory #2, and they're on to me.