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Beats claims NFL players' DNA affected by headphone ban

Due to an NFL deal with Bose, players can't wear their Beats headphones during televised interviews.

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A great athlete like Colin Kaepernick will be denuded and DNA-altered without his matching Beats headphones. 49ersLakersspin/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Football is America's most effective collection plate.

No organization does a better job of giving unto Mammon on a Sunday than the NFL.

This fiscal efficiency can, however, interfere with the mental preparation of some NFL players. This, at least, is the claim made by Beats.

Apple's fresh, brash little brother is upset that the NFL has a deal with speaker and headphone maker Bose. This prevents cool-conscious stars, such as the thoughtfully monosyllabic San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, from wearing their Beats headphones -- as well as any other rival headphones -- during televised interviews on game day.

Indeed, the ban extends from before kickoff to 90 minutes after the game. It also covers training camp and practice.

Beats issued this statement, according to Recode: "Over the last few years athletes have written Beats into their DNA as part of the pre-game ritual. Music can have a significant positive effect on an athlete's focus and mental preparedness and has become as important to performance as any other piece of equipment."

It's an alluring thought that Kaepernick played badly against, say, the Arizona Cardinals, because he couldn't infuse his ears with Beats music and his DNA was harmfully affected.

It's equally alluring to think that, in order for him to project the right image at press conferences, he must wrap his Beats around his neck, for fear that his head might loll to one side in anguish.

It's well known that stars who wear Beats are winners. Just look at how well Brazilian soccer star Neymar, another whose DNA is infused with Beats, did in the World Cup. Oh, wait.

Can it really be that Bose headphones adversely affect a sportsman's DNA? Or is it merely that Beats pays certain players to sport its colors?

The NFL offered this explanation in a statement to Recode: "The NFL has longstanding policies that prohibit branded exposure on-field or during interviews unless authorized by the league. These policies date back to the early 1990s and continue today."

Clearly, there is the occasional commercial spillage during NFL games. For example, Microsoft pays a reported $400 million to have its Surface tablet used by coaches and players during games. Sadly, more than one announcer has referred to the devices as an Apple iPad.

In the end, though, NFL players know that they are entertainers at the circus, there to put their very brains on the line for public consumption.

They can't be surprised that their every fashion statement is interfered with by the demands of men in Brooks Brothers suits.

Still, the ban fits nicely with Beats' slightly rebellious image, which has been cleverly constructed despite the fact that the brand has a 61 percent share of the upscale headphone market.

If Kaepernick and his fellow Beatsnik Cam Newton, quarterback for the Carolina Panthers, play badly, you'll know why. I can just see the protests outside NFL headquarters come Monday.