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Beats celebrates slimline LeBron's big, fat return to Cleveland

Apple's Beats reaches for profundity as it shows LeBron James losing weight and gaining soul in a new campaign.

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He slimmer and he has more soul. Just like his headphones. Beats By Dre/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

You wear headphones to shut out the world.

You wear Beats headphones to shut out the world, while simultaneously shouting to it that it isn't as cool as you are.

Some wondered that when Beats was bought by Apple its slightly, brash rebellious nature might alter. Please don your robe and wig and judge Beats' new ad featuring LeBron James.

Should you have been recently detained in solitary confinement by mounted police in Manitoba, you might not know that James spent a few years in Miami being glamorous. He's returning this year to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers in order for his life to regain depth.

It was billed as a return to roots, to soul and to making Cleveland interesting again.

In the new ad, we see James training for the new NBA season, which begins at the end of this month. He's in his hometown of Akron, where they celebrate the return of the self-styled king.

Akron is a place where kings are worshiped and God is sung to.

It's a place where LeBron dons his Powerbeats2 Wireless headphones, presumably because they make his head look a touch more slimline. He's been documenting his new diet, which involved eating only four food types -- meat, fish, veggies and fruit -- for 67 days.

Yes, the king had 67 days in the wilderness, where carbs slithered, hissed and tempted.

As Hozier sings about being taken to church, LeBron prepares to take it to the house. When he goes to his fridge, there's almost nothing there. You see, kids, kings sometimes live on very little.

"Don't ever forget where you came from," says his mom's voice, just before the words "Re-established 2014" appear on the screen. Le Bron has been saved. Now he can dance to a different Beats.

Oh, Miami, you are clearly the devil's work.