America to celebs: Shut up blogging about products

You're probably extremely partial to what Gwynnie says about makeup on Goop.

You probably can't spend a day without considering which sneakers Pete Wentz is currently favoring.

And you're also, allegedly, a very rare specimen. For I have in my exclusive hands results of a survey that might shock celebrity product bloggers into a catatonia of despair.

Ninety-six percent of the 1,000 Americans who responded to this research claimed they have zero interest in reading what celebrities blog about products.

Personally, I find this astounding. I thought celebrities have their own blogs precisely in order to flog a little of this and a little of that. The goal being to earn a little of lucre.

So I should focus for a moment on who sponsored this society-shattering research. It's a company called WP Engine.

This is an organization dedicated to providing "hassle-free Wordpress hosting."

I tried to focus for a moment on whether some of these celeb blogs were already hosted hassle-free on Wordpress.

But then I realized that what WP Engine does is offer what it calls "industrial strength" hosting for companies such as Williams-Sonoma, Foursquare, and Soundcloud.

Then I read some more results from this seminally scientific piece of work.

Forty-eight percent of these respondents are apparently clamoring for brands to post regular and interesting content to their own blogs. Otherwise, they look lazy.

Or otherwise, of course, they're paying celebrities to get their assistants to do it for them.

Forty-six percent of these odd respondents claimed they read the blogs of their favorite brands. And, even more peculiar is the notion peddled by 40 percent of them that they preferred reading a brand blog than a magazine's blog or some other Web site.

"Yes," I hear you cry. "But what about those fabulous listicles?"

As a style of communication, it was favored by a mere 11 percent of these people. The favorite? Why a "news article in the manner of The New York Times."

We have learned something today: real people would like brands to write about themselves on their own blogs in the style of The New York Times.

And you thought America wasn't the most sophisticated society in the world? Feel disabused.

And as you do that, might I say that the runner-up to New York Times style was "feature article style like People magazine."

Ah.

I have no idea whether you wake up every morning and muse to yourself, "I wonder what Kellogg's Bran Flakes are thinking today." Perhaps you merely ponder, "What does GoPro think of the Ukraine crisis?"

But clearly brands must make strong decisions about how they regularly communicate with their customers.

Otherwise, Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry will do it for them.

And just as I wrote those words, news reached me of a severe celebrity product-blogging crisis.

As US Weekly reports, Gwynneth Paltrow has used the pages of her Goop to give a cleaning product from the Honest Company a C rating.

Who is behind the Honest Company? Why, Jessica Alba.

Honestly.