Alex from Target is very important.
I know this because I've just been to his Twitter feed, and he's had a message from Ellen. Yes, Ellen who has that Ellen show.
This can only mean one thing. Ellen wants him on the Ellen show, which means that he's so famous that she might get very nice ratings.
She took a picture of him and posted it Sunday to Twitter. She accompanied it with these words: "YOOOOOOOOOO." I know that's just one word, but there's surely a vast array of sentiment buried within it.
I assume Rims was mesmerized because Alex from Target looks just a little like Justin Bieber and therefore she wanted to go with him for a joyride in a very fast car. My assumption might be mistaken, however.
Little did Rims surely know, however, that Alex from Target might soon be famous in the Pacific Rim. Analytics site Topsy swooned that there were 994,214 tweets about Alex from Target today.
Even more uplifting was that Target has decided to rename itself Target from Alex.
I lie a little, of course. However, the company did leap onto its own bandwagoning shopping cart by tweeting: "We heart Alex, too!" The company added the hashtag #alexfromtarget, of course.
But really, how did this all happen? How could this unassuming young lad suddenly become more important than tomorrow's election? Worse, how can it be that, even after hours of world tweeting, he hadn't been identified?
The San Antonio Express muttered that Alex from Target is Alex from a North Texas Target. But no one offered more. Naturally, I have contacted Target to ask please would the company just spill the beans and keep me away from the nagging questions of a thousand teenagers and those who behave like a thousand teenagers. (Of course, this could all be one big advertising mullarkey organized by Target.)
Even Google has begun tweeting about Alex from Target. So if even Google cares, there must a national security interest in unveiling this youth, even against his will.
In a few days' time, very few people will care who Alex from Target is. He, however, will hopefully have signed a modeling contract -- come on, Target, step up before Safeway grabs him. Or, gosh, Walmart -- and made enough money to have his hair coiffed by mermaids for life.
Humanity, meanwhile, will look to crown the next viral hero. Because humanity needs heroes and it needs them daily.
Updated at 8:25 a.m. PT November 4: A Target spokeswoman told me that Alex is indeed a "Target team member." She added: "Usually our new weekly ad is what gets people tweeting on Sundays. So imagine our surprise...when one of our Target team members managed to flood the internet with images of red and khaki without even trying. We are proud to have a great team, including #AlexFromTarget, and are in contact with his store and family. We will keep you posted if he is available for comment, but for now, we would ask you to respect his privacy."
Also, he suddenly has 524,000 Twitter followers.
Yes, he's a star all right.