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Adultery site: Sex or your money back

In a curiously confident guarantee, the founder of promises he will personally reimburse anyone who fails to have sex after following his site's guidelines.

It's almost as if Mark Zuckerberg suddenly guaranteed that anyone who was your Facebook friend would become your real friend.

Here's the very clever, wily and highly seductive Noel Biderman, founder of adultery Web site Ashley, putting his money where his, um, whole luscious body is.

According to the Herald Sun, Biderman was over in Australia to renew his wedding vows. I am committed to seriousness when I say that.

Perhaps moved by the bliss that his own relationship has sponsored, he remembered to mention the magnanimous stiffener available to all those who desperately come to his site because their marriages have long since parted with the spirit of their vows. For Ashley Madison will give you your money back if you don't find temporary succor--as long as you follow its guidelines, of course.

"If you want to find the right level of success, we think there is the commitment level you need to make, and if it doesn't work out for you then we'll give you your money back," Biderman told the Herald Sun.

Adultery requires an unhappy marriage. But successful adultery requires commitment. Please never forget that.

Screenshot: Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

What Biderman would like all unhappily married folk never to forget is that Ashley Madison is not some sleazy hook-up joint. It is a classy hook-up joint.

"I think people sometimes mistakenly assume that Ashley Madison is just an online brothel," he told the Herald Sun.

The thought had never crossed my mind. In a brothel, you have to pay. On Ashley Madison, you merely have to stray. Well, you do pay too. $249, in fact.

And, because I am dedicated to cuddling up to the truth, I decided to peruse the details of Biderman's alluring money-back offer. I went to the "Affair Guarantee Program" part of the site.

There, you will find eight paragraphs of things you must do in order to assure yourself extra-marital bliss (temporary). These are things such as "Send 'Qualifying' priority mail messages to at least 18 different members each month."

Yes, I do believe that says 18.

You must be wondering what "Qualifying" priority mail message entails. Here I am to tell you "a 'Qualifying Mail Message' must be a priority mail message you send to a unique member who has not yet messaged you or a priority mail message response you send to a unique member who has messaged you."

There are many aspects to the guarantee. Some may feel that, together, these aspects make having an affair harder work than enjoying a marriage. For example: "Instant message with members for at least 60 minutes per month through the service."

Do you know any husband and wife who talk to each other for 60 minutes per month?

So, it seems that this guarantee might not quite deserve the status of Magnanimous Cum Laude. Still, I hear the site is booming.

One can only hope that a reader or two might have tried its service and might report back to us on the efficaciousness of its intricacies. If you can find the time to tear yourself away from searching for instant love through the medium of instant messaging, please let us know how it's working out for you.