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A brief guide to getting the goods on cheating spouses

Keep tabs on the home front with low cost technology.

Check Mate Semen Detection Kit

High-tech can protect soldiers in the field, but it hasn't been much use against that age-old threat on the home front; and that's Jody, the 4-F opportunist of yore, who's busy bird-doggin' Snuffy's wife while he's 7000 miles away dodging RPGs.

Time was, the cuckold only began to suspect something amiss when he arrived home to find an off brand butt in the car ashtray or a different flavor of beer in the fridge. No more. Here are a few suggestions on how to keep an eye on things while the cat's away.

The USB Key Snoop is an innocuous-looking keylogger device that plugs into any keyboard and stores more than "128,000 keystrokes including e-mail, chat, IM, internet addresses and more". Data is stored inside the device as the keys are typed, according to the company. To check on who's been surfing, simply type-in a password and the Key Snoop shows who's been where. There's no software to install, just plug the Key Snoop into the USB port, then replug the keyboard and it's ready to record.

Key Snoop

Here's another approach: A miniature 16 channel, water resistant, covert GPS tracking system to attach to your honey's car. It's motion activated and includes integrated GPS and cellular antennas, plus software for fast downloading and a flash memory to back-up the evidence. "What time did you say you were at the Laundromat?"

Remember, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Take precautions with this cigarette lighter-powered Anti GPS Tracking Device. Just plug it in and it's good-to-go. It knocks out GPS logging or GPS tracking systems that may be operating on your vehicle, making "it very hard for anyone to keep tabs on you", according to the manufacturer. It sells for under $100, but if it's a matter of principal you can build your own GPS jammer, here.

This service here is like having the NSA at your disposal. A Brit outfit called World Tracker reportedly uses cell tower data (or GPS, when available) to track the location of GSM cell phones and displays their location to within 150 feet on a Google Maps-based interface. The service hasn't reached the US yet and but it should work soon around Dependent housing in Germany. Upon activation, the cell phone owner receives a text message and is supposed to authorize the tracking, but there's got to be a way around that.

Finally, for $65 and change, "put an end to suspicions of infidelity and doubt with this Check Mate semen detection kit." It contains everything needed to detect semen on undergarments or clothing, for up to 2 years if "they haven't been washed" even if the stains are invisible. The test only takes five minutes, so they can't get far.

Please consult the post chaplain before deploying these assets.