Crack open that can of Surge and start dancing the Macarena. The next X-Men movie is coming, and it's set in the 1990s.
ComingSoon.net got the time-travel scoop Monday from screenwriter and producer Simon Kinberg, but there's a bit of hedging. No one's sure if Kinberg meant the next X-Men movie in the current series, or the upcoming "New Mutants" feature. But it would make perfect sense for the next big X-Men movie, because, as ComingSoon points out, the upcoming "X-Men: Apocalypse" is set in the go-go '80s, and the 1960s and 1970s have already been settings for X-Men features.
As the co-author of "The Totally Sweet '90s," I can totally get behind setting the film in the era of slap bracelets and "Seinfeld." The '90s was for so long an overlooked decade, playing second fiddle to the '80s and sneered at for containing zero nostalgia-worthy memories of its own. But while writing the book, co-author Brian Bellmont and I gained a new appreciation for the last century's last hurrah. Those pre-September 11 days were a last gasp of innocence in many ways, and if you don't believe it, just try to take a water bottle through airport security.
So here are nine ways I'd like to see the as-yet-unnamed flick honor its era:
1. Product placement with Wolverine-shaped Dunkaroos. Instead of little cookie kangaroos you dip in frosting, how about cookies shaped like Wolverine's claws? Dip 'em, and it's like you gave Logan a French manicure.
2. All cellphones must be checked at the theater door with the exception of ginormous Zack Morris-style brick-size phones. (See "Saved by the Bell.") If you were a phone user in the '90s and you have back trouble, blame the extra weight of hauling these things around.
3. All the X-Men must wear Hypercolor shirts, meaning the minute they get whacked by an enemy, colorful handprints appear where they were touched. Wolverine can hide his claws inside Freezy Freakies, a winter glove made of similar material which displayed patterns when the temperature dropped. Hammer pants and fanny packs optional.
4. Professor X can keep his classy bald dome warm with a Blossom hat.
5. Forget the Blackbird or X-Jet. The mutants can get around just as fast with Heelys (roller shoes).
6. Mystique can accent her stylin' blue skin with Bath & Body Works body glitter, sweet-smelling goo that '90s teens applied for no apparent reason other than to look like they'd just rolled around in glue and then sat on a kindergarten craft table. Ideally, Cucumber Melon scent.
7. Banshee's sonic scream has been replaced with a Big Mouth Billy Bass constantly launching into "Don't Worry, Be Happy," a much more devastating weapon.
8. Beast can apply his considerable intelligence to solving the problem of how to win that classic educational computer game that took off in the '90s, The Oregon Trail, without dying of dysentery while fording the river. Or running into the cast of "Portlandia," which might actually be worse.