A complete guide to pronouns and why they matter

You've likely noticed more people listing their pronouns in email signatures, Twitter bios and Zoom names. Conversations about pronouns have amped up in recent years alongside growing awareness about their importance to many, including those who are LGBTQI+. When people share their pronouns, they're letting you know how they want you to refer to them. 

Society has traditionally defaulted to using he/him and she/her to refer to someone based on their perceived gender, but that doesn't always align with their actual gender or how they prefer to be identified. They may want to go by something like they/them or ze/zir or not to use any pronouns at all and instead be referred to by their name. It's also important to note that the pronouns someone goes by are not necessarily indicative of their gender, though often there is a link between the two. 

It's also worth noting that pronouns themselves are nothing new, as it's common practice in the English language to refer to someone using pronouns rather than stating their name every time. Rather, more recent conversations are focused on ensuring we're using the right pronouns when referring to someone. 

Discussions surrounding pronouns have also become more mainstream as big names in entertainment have spoken up about how they want to be identified. Last month, singer Demi Lovato came out as nonbinary, meaning their gender identity isn't exclusively male or female. Lovato changed their pronouns to they/them, saying: "I feel this best represents the fluidity I feel in my gender expression and allows me to feel most authentic and true to the person I both know I am and am still discovering." 

In December, actor Elliot Page came out as transgender and shared that his pronouns are he/they. Singer Halsey updated her pronouns to she/they on her Twitter and Instagram bios in March, and in 2019, after coming out as nonbinary, musician Sam Smith changed their pronouns to they/them.

Why do pronouns matter?

Pronouns are a major part of someone's identity. You wouldn't want someone referring to you by the wrong name, especially after you've corrected them. Making an effort to get someone's pronouns right and referring to people the way they want to be identified is important. 

It can take some practice to get used to using the right pronouns, so don't stress if you slip up at first. Just apologize and move on. 

What are examples of pronouns and how to use them?

Here are some of the most commonly used pronouns and how they can be used in a sentence.

• She/Her: "She invited all her close friends to the party."
• He/Him: "He invited all his close friends to the party."
• They/Them: "They invited all their close friends to the party."
• Ze/Zir (or Hir): "Ze invited all zir (or hir) close friends to the party." (Ze is pronounced "zee," while hir is pronounced like "here.")
• Xe/Xem: "Xe invited all xir close friends to the party who wanted to see xem." "The house is xirs; xe designed it xirself." (Xe is pronounced "zee," xir is pronounced "zeer" and xem is pronounced "zem.")
• Mx.: This is a nonbinary, gender-neutral alternative to titles like Mr. or Ms., and is pronounced like "mix."

Ultimately, be sure to ask someone what they prefer to go by, and don't be afraid to ask questions if you still need guidance on how to use those pronouns in a sentence.  

How can I find out what someone's pronouns are?

While a variety of pronouns can be used to refer to someone, the bottom line is you shouldn't assume anyone's pronouns just by looking at them. Rather, ask what pronouns they go by if you're meeting them for the first time. You can make them feel more comfortable by telling them your preferred pronouns first, then asking how you can address them. 

Not everyone will feel comfortable sharing pronouns, for a variety of reasons. For instance, some people may not want to state them at that time or in that space, or they might prefer not to use pronouns at all. The key is to create a safe environment for people to express themselves however they'd like. 

If you're not yet sure which pronouns someone goes by, it's generally acceptable to use they/them until you find out, or you can refer to someone by their name. While grammarians have historically frowned upon using "they" in the singular form, it's become increasingly accepted as a personal pronoun by style guides and dictionaries, with Merriam-Webster naming "they" its word of the year in 2019.