Why You Can Trust CNET Stonewalling Is Ruining Your Relationship. Here's What to Do About It
Stonewalling is a silent relationship killer. Here's how to spot it and what do do about it.
You've been there. A conversation gets heated and all of a sudden, the other person disconnects. Maybe they physically walk away, but maybe the shift is subtler. They might stop answering or suddenly pick up another activity. It feels like an invisible wall went up between you.
That's called stonewalling. It's a technique some people use when they feel they've lost control in a conflict. The stonewaller could be a romantic partner, parent, child, friend or coworker. Ultimately, they turn to this technique as a way to redirect the conversation. But stonewalling doesn't move anyone closer to a healthy resolution.
What is stonewalling?
John Gottman, a doctor of clinical psychology, pioneered research into stonewalling at the Gottman Institute, which focuses on healthy relationships. It's one of what he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," or indicators that if nothing changes in the relationship, it will fail. The other horsemen are criticism, defensiveness and contempt.
If you're looking for an easy definition, you can find it right in the name. It's putting up an emotional wall between yourself and the other person in the relationship. This wall gets demonstrated through behaviors like ignoring the other person, refusing to respond to them and exiting the conversation.
Stonewalling comes in two forms and it's important to distinguish between them:
- Unintentional stonewalling: Many people stonewall as a defense mechanism. They become overwhelmed in the moment of conflict and stonewall in an attempt to protect themselves and regain control. Oftentimes, people unintentionally stonewall when they're at their emotional limit. For example, a child might stonewall a parent as a way to protect themselves when they feel they have no other recourse.
- Intentional stonewalling: Some stonewalling is calculated. If the stonewaller knows they're doing it, they might leverage this technique as a way to make the other person feel small and insignificant. Intentional stonewalling can be an insidious form of abuse that causes self-doubt in the other person. In turn, this gives the stonewaller the emotional upper hand.
Signs of stonewalling in a relationship
Stonewalling can be a learned defense mechanism or it can be a tool the other person is knowingly wielding against you. It can be a sign the stonewaller needs support — or it can be emotional abuse. Figuring out how to respond to stonewalling relies on determining if this tactic is being used intentionally or unintentionally.
To help, it can be first useful to identify the stonewalling itself. If several of these sound familiar, you've probably been stonewalled:
- The other person disengages emotionally
- They're dismissive of your concerns
- They completely ignore you and pretend you don't exist
- They start doing another activity midconversation
- They don't respond, even when asked direct questions
- Their body language becomes defensive (e.g., crossed arms, body turned away)
- They get out their phone and start talking to or texting with someone else
- They leave the room abruptly
- They give you "the silent treatment"
- They change the topic suddenly
Now, it's time to try to discern if the stonewalling is intentional or unintentional. As the person being stonewalled, this can be challenging because you're already in an emotionally charged state. Learning coping mechanisms can help you get a better handle on the situation. Over time, this makes it easier to determine if the stonewalling is a defensive mechanism or something malicious.
How to respond to stonewalling
With that in mind, let's talk about how to respond to stonewalling. Up top, it's worth the reminder: you can only control yourself. These actions won't necessarily change any behavior in the stonewaller. But they can help you protect yourself and limit the conflict's escalation.
1. Use 'I' statements in conversations
Because stonewalling is often a defensive mechanism, the moment you realize it could be happening, try to make a shift. Think before you speak and temper your dialogue so it doesn't sound accusatory. Making "I" statements rather than "you" statements can be helpful here. For example, you might say, "I feel frustrated when I come home from a long day and the house is dirty," rather than, "You never take out the trash!"
Shifting the focus to you can create space around the stonewaller, giving them the chance to back down.
2. Ask for a break
That said, don't try this for more than a couple minutes. If the stonewalling continues, it's time for the conversation to stop.
Don't just walk away, though. The other person could perceive this as you stonewalling them, escalating the situation further.
Instead, ask for a break as gently as you can. You might say something like, "I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. Can we pick this conversation back up later today?"
3. Address stonewalling outside of the conflict
Find an opportunity for you and the other person to talk about stonewalling when you're not in a moment of conflict. Explain to them that sometimes when things get heated, you notice that they disengage. Name stonewalling for what it is. Tell them how it makes you feel.
Having a name for this behavior can be a powerful tool for both of you. You might even develop something like a safe word here. Having a quick phrase you both know that you can use to signal a break in the face of stonewalling can help the other person realize they're doing it without you needing to accuse them in the moment.
4. Take care of yourself
Even if the stonewalling is unintentional, it feels bad. You might be feeling small or unimportant. You don't deserve that.
Right after you get stonewalled, take some time to self-sooth. You could do a calming meditation or a breathing exercise. You could jump into an activity you enjoy, like gardening or yoga. Try some at-home mental health care. Find what makes you feel good and do it.
This isn't selfish. Practicing self-soothing helps to heal the wound the stonewalling just created. This minimizes the resentment you'll feel moving forward, giving your relationship its best shot.
5. Check for triggers
No one deserves to be stonewalled and you're never at fault for causing this behavior in another person. That said, if this is a relationship you value, it may be worth backtracking to see what led up to the stonewalling. If the other person perceived you as being angry or hypercritical, the stonewalling may have been a response — albeit not a great one.
Knowing what triggers stonewalling in the other person can help you avoid it. This can make future conversations more productive and healthier for both of you.
6. Seek solo or couples therapy
If you're at your wits' end, it's time to call in the reinforcements. That could mean therapy for yourself to get more coping tools or couples' therapy if your stonewaller is willing to take this step.
Therapy has gotten more affordable and accessible than ever before thanks to things like online therapy and sliding-scale payments. Before you and your partner write it off, explore what therapy could look like for you. You may be surprised how easy it is to get started with this tool. And if your partner isn't willing to commit to couples therapy just yet, consider starting it solo. Telling them how much you're getting out of it may help them see a reason to go.
Stonewalling FAQs
Now that you have a working stonewalling definition and some tactics to help you navigate it, here are a few more concepts:
What causes someone to stonewall?
Generally, a person will stonewall for one of these three reasons:
- Defense mechanism: They may be feeling unsafe or out of control. If the conflict has escalated to a point where they feel they don't have any agency anymore, stonewalling can help them put up a protective barrier.
- To suppress emotions: Similarly, the stonewaller may be feeling completely emotionally overwhelmed. Stonewalling gives them a way to detach from what they're feeling, gaining space from uncomfortable or outright painful emotions.
- To manipulate others: Some people knowingly stonewall as a way to gain the upper hand in a conflict. The stonewaller uses this technique to make the other person — and their concerns — feel unimportant.
What is the difference between stonewalling and gaslighting?
Both gaslighting and stonewalling can be defensive or manipulative techniques, depending on the intent of their user. With gaslighting, the person tries to make the other individual doubt something they know to be true. For example, studies have examined how parents gaslit their trans children about their gender identities.
The main difference is that a stonewaller stops engaging while a gaslighter continues engaging, but only in an effort to change the narrative.
What negative effects can stonewalling have on a relationship?
Left unchecked, stonewalling can be catastrophic. The Gottman Institute found that in marriages, it can be indicative of divorce in your future. It doesn't just impact romantic relationships, though. Stonewalling is fairly common between parents and children and coworkers, too.
Children may learn to stonewall as a defensive mechanism, then continue on to stonewall their partners later in life. Parents may stonewall their children, then continue the practice in the workplace to try to gain more control there.
Ultimately, though, because stonewalling requires detachment, it's counterproductive to a healthy relationship. While it might give the person a brief moment of increased control, it ultimately fosters resentment and frustration in the person being stonewalled. If you suspect your own relationship falls victim to stonewalling, it's worth calling it out. Just wait until you're not in a moment of active conflict so the conversation can be productive.