we used to scramble F-94's and F-89's out of Elmendorf AFB, Alaska for a unknown blip on radar. Luckly, the snow let up for a visual ID before a shoot down of St. Nick on his practice run.
(Hey, it's better than the French!)
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
-Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
-Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
-Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
-You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
-Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
-Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
-Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devices
-Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year
-Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking of drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up
-And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . .
wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
-- Dave K, Speakeasy Moderator
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