How to prepare for the ski season
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
09. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles and pretend you are looking for your car.
08. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
07. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
06. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
05. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
04. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere- as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
03. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
02. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
01. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
BONUS POINT: Place your feet in boots cemented firmly to the floor and have someone push you over -OR- throw yourself down a hill and feel your knee rip into tiny pieces... Now, that's realism!
-- Dave K, Speakeasy Moderator
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