Praise

The John Cleese Terrorist Alert System

"Instead of following that rather gay system of ascending colours, the English have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when supplies of tea nearly ran out.

"Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

"The Scots have raised their threat level from "Dead Pi$$ed Off" to "Let's Get the ********." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used as front line troops in the British army for the last 300 years.

"The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

"Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

"The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

"Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO and the European Union administration pulling out of Brussels.

"The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

"Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll Be All Right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level."

Sorry, I haven't found the source yet but if you want to give me credit, James, I'll accept it.

Rob

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Reads like the version on Snopes.
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I've seen this one before

And I'm pretty sure it's been revealed to be a hoax. Some of the jokes are pretty old (I doubt John Cleese would use the line about the new Spanish Navy's glass-bottomed boats -- I remember that one from when I was a kid), and most of them just don't sound like British humour.

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