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Major Merger Announced

by Dave Konkel [Moderator] / December 23, 2008 11:59 PM PST

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Happy Holidays to All! -- Dave K, Speakeasy Moderator
click here to email semods4@yahoo.com

The opinions expressed above are my own,
and do not necessarily reflect those of CNET.

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YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
by jonah jones / December 24, 2008 12:33 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced

the man is back!

long long time no see DK!

i sure do hope all is a LOT better

wishing you and yours a very Happy (and quiet) Christmas

jonah

.,

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(NT) AMEN!
by Angeline Booher / December 24, 2008 1:04 AM PST
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Welcome back ...
by Bill Osler / December 24, 2008 1:02 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced

I hope the hurricane damage or whatever it was is mostly under control.

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(NT) Welcome Back Dave!
by JP Bill / December 24, 2008 1:39 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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(NT) BTW, entertaining piece! :-)
by Angeline Booher / December 24, 2008 3:33 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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(NT) Welcome back...and Merry Christmas!!
by Steven Haninger / December 24, 2008 3:56 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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(NT) Welcome back!
by Terry Browne / December 24, 2008 4:28 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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(NT) Merry Christmachanukah Dave... merry xmakas, everyone !
by grimgraphix / December 24, 2008 9:19 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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We kept the fires burning for ya!
by James Denison / December 24, 2008 10:48 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced

welcome back

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BRAVO!
by Paul C / December 24, 2008 11:36 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced

THAT'S the way to make a triumphant return, Dave!

Welcome back!!

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(NT) Welcome home, Dave
by Cindi Haynes / December 24, 2008 3:35 PM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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(NT) Welcome back.
by C1ay / December 24, 2008 9:21 PM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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Merry Christmas!
by Kiddpeat / December 25, 2008 12:59 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced

I hope it's a good one for you and yours.

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(NT) Good to see you back, Happy Holidays
by Roger NC / December 25, 2008 2:40 AM PST
In reply to: Major Merger Announced
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