Nope, these programs don't exist, sorry. Any program that claims to do this is either a scam, or worthless.
This is going to sound a lot harsher than it's intended, but here goes anyway. Owning a computer is a lot like having a pet. There are certain responsibilities that go along with having a pet. You need to feed it, clean up after it, and generally care for it. The analogy isn't perfect, but the idea is that there are certain responsibilities that are inseparable from owning a computer. And you rattled off most of them in your post.
So you have basically three choices. You can A) make the time to learn these things yourself, B) get ripped off regularly paying a place like Best Buy to do it for you, or C) get rid of your computer.
There are no easy answers here, it's just a lot of hard work. Maybe some day someone will invent the appliance computer that doesn't need any maintenance. Until that day however, your options are outlined above.
Just be sure not to fall into the trap of thinking you have to become some end-all be-all expert on computers. There are plenty shades of gray to choose from. You don't have to be a professional hair stylist to comb your hair nicely. You don't need to be a doctor to take some aspirin for a headache. But don't you save a lot of money combing your own hair in the mornings, and not going to the ER every time you have a headache?
What you need to do, is start going through each and every program you have installed, and remove them one by one. If you find that you're missing some expected functionality after removing a program, put it back. If you don't even notice it's gone, move on to the next one. Yes it's tedious, yes it's boring, yes it's time consuming, but it's also necessary and the only way you're going to do what you want effectively. There are no easy answers or quick fixes here. Or let's put that a different way. The easy and quick fixes will likely create an even bigger set of problems for you, which I assume is not what you want.
And once again, this likely sounded a lot harsher than it was intended, so keep that in mind if you're inclined to rant and rave about something. But you seem like a no BS sort of person, so I gave you a no BS answer.
I read so much about unneeded programs, startup programs, files, and the list goes on. Are there any good all over cleaners for people who just don't have the time or knowledge to do it themselves? I have no idea what programs I don't need at startup or anytime. I wish I had the ability to screen what is helpful and what isn't or what's needed and what isn't. I am sorry this question is so broad.
I have XP home 5.1 service pack 3 running I.E. 8.0. Best regards