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Governmentium

by Del McMullen / March 19, 2004 4:42 AM PST

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been
tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected
so it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days
to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons
and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming "isodopes."

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes "Administratium" -- an element which radiates just as much energy since
it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

And I always thought this was called bureaucracy.

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