An impassioned minister was visiting a country church and began his address with a stirring reminder:
"Everybody in this parish is going to die."
The evangelist was discomfited to notice a man in the front pew who was smiling broadly. "Why are you so amused?" he asked.
"I'm not in this parish," replied the man. "I'm just visiting my sister for the weekend."
The miserly millionaire called a family conference.
"I'm placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it's my time to go."
The family respected his wishes.
After his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. "The fool!" she said, "I told him he should have put it in the basement."
Bob to Secretary: "Who told you that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect your work around here?"
Secretary: "My lawyer."
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop "How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant," the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5000."
"No problem," said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.
When he found a six-year-old shoe-repair ticket in the pocket of an old suit, Brown called the shop to see if the shoes were still around.
"Were they black wingtips needing half soles?" asked a clerk.
"Yes," said Brown.
"We'll have them ready in a week."
A woman writing at a post-office desk was approached by a man whose hand was in a cast. "Pardon me," said the man, "but could you please address this post card for me?"
The woman gladly did so, agreeing also to write a short message and sign for him.
"There," said the woman, smiling. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes," the man replied. "At the end could you put, 'P.S.---Please excuse the handwriting'?"
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked a reporter on Harvey's 110th birthday.
"You might call me a health nut," Harvey replied. "I never smoked, I never drank. I was always in bed and sound asleep by ten o'clock. And I've always walked three miles a day, rain or shine."
"But," said the reporter, "I had an uncle who followed that exact routine and died when he was 62. How come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Harvey, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
Pint-size luxury and funky style
Shopping for a new car this weekend? See how the BMW X2 stacks up against the Volvo XC40 in our side-by-side comparison.