My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me forwards'' over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern:
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ''Under God'' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their ''chickens'' are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1.387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email tracking program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician....
My sister ''forwarded'' this to me. 
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Forwarding e-mails (inbox)
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to send to chronic email forwarders for quite some time. I usually send it after I have sent the "offenders" links to sites (usually several times) for use in determining if these types of email messages are "legitimate," and how to make that decision based on the contents.
Unfortunately, there are a few folks in my address book that no longer send me any e-mails at all because of this. I even had one lady inform me that she just didn't have the time to check, and didn't find it necessary to do so. She felt it was rude of me to reply to her messages (usually several per week) with information pertaining to the legitimacy (or NOT, as was usually the case) of the contents. Needless to say, I do not receive emails from her anymore.
On the other hand, my brother is now becoming a top-notch sleuth in regard to these matters because he found it embarrassing that he was continually falling victim to these scams. 
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