I get a big laugh out of the BS you post.
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Declaration of Revocation -- by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Ins! tead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Discussion is locked
31 - 60 of 54 Posts
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If you can imagine it in Basil Fawlty's voice in high dudgeon making the ridiculous assertions at the top of his lungs. Take out the Cleese and you take out the funny, because really, it's kinda flat; the usual claptrap.
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You can even put the voice of Eric Idle or just about anyone from MP. It's actually more fun thinking of Eric Idle saying it in my opinion. But it's a question of taste of course.
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assumed, seems to be inherent to this hilarious article, simply because it's written in that style.
Its nearly perfect, and wonderfully funny in my opinion.
Rob
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The Judiciary has rendered the Executive and Congressional branches impudent as it is.
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But I think you meant impotent.
Rob Boyter
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would she install Cammilla and her husband Dumbo (You know, the one that said he wanted to be a (Name of a sanitary napkin) in Cammilla's jeans) as President or the prince brother that cries when the Marine instructor yells at him and dumped the Dutchess of York?
Tell him that we don't want to kick his countries butt again, but we will if he writes any more trash.
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Funny, he neglected to mention the deportation of our dentists, the removal of all our furnaces and air conditioners, the destruction of all our tasty foodstuffs via mayonnaise and bacon, the mandatory Farrah Fawcett wigs for our judiciary, the most boring television in the English-speaking world, the installation of a family of inbred layabouts at the top of our power structure, the forceable relocation of our houses smack up against one another so as to eliminate backyards, frontyards, and any semblance of privacy, and the systematic repression of spontaneity and sexuality that will turn the next generation of boys into closet pooftahs.
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I like it! LOL
and welcome to SpeakEasy, BTW.
--Marcia/Oregon
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although I don't think I will give the old tried-and-true method of trying to use the new word 5 times (or whatever it is) today to remember it 
That just might not go over so well!! LOL
I can just see it in our weekly case conference for Home Health & Hospice patients:
"So, along with Mr. A's bowel problems, is he also a poofter?"
"I believe that Mr. & Mrs. B are having difficulties with their adult son that lives with them. Do you think he may be a poofter?"
"Would Mr. C's secondary diagnosis be that he is a poofter?"
No ...hmmm ... don't think that will work. Maybe this new word should just slip off into the nether regions of my mind where all the other stuff I have forgotten has gone. It's getting crowded in there.
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Python sketch where an Englishman joins the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolamaloo.
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce."
"Is your nayme not Bruce, then?"
"No, it's Michael."
"That's going to cause a lot of confusion, mind if we call you Bruce?"
...
"First rule of the Department: Naow (No) Pooftahs!
Rob Boyter
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either bruce or barry (McKenzie) famaous aussie cartoon from the glory days of the early 60's
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You ain't kidding. I've been there. And why can't the programs start on the hour and half-hour like anywhere else? I look up the listings and one show is starting at 8:47, another at 9:06, another at 9:14, it's nuts.
...a family of inbred layabouts....
LOL again. One of our radio personalities (Howard Stern, not sure if you'd know who he is in the UK) took some flak from a few listeners for calling Prince Charles the world's most famous welfare recipient.
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*sigh*
and just imagine american tv without archie bunker...
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