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Declaration of Revocation -- by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4 Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Ins! tead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Discussion is locked
1 - 30 of 54 Posts
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and i see no reason why not again as they dont have much to use 
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We wouldn't be grabbing an alligator to use as a cannon to fight another round. More like an predator flying over, very silently, very deadly.
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WAR OF 1812 SONG
In 1814 we took a little trip along with Colonel Jackson
Down the mighty Mississip.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody British near the town of New Orleans.
We fired our guns and the British kept a?comin?
There wasn?t near as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began a runnin?
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
We looked down the river and we saw the British come.
And there must have been a hundred of ?em beatin? on a drum.
They stepped so high and they made the bugles ring.
We stood by our cotton bales and didn?t say a thing.
We fired our guns and the British kept a?comin?
There wasn?t near as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began a runnin?
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Old Hickory said we could take ?em by surprise
If we didn?t fire our muskets ?till we looked ?em in their eyes.
We held our fire ?till we saw their faces well.
Then we opened up with squirrel guns and
Really gave ?em WELL
We fired our guns and the British kept a?comin?
There wasn?t near as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began a runnin?
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
Yeah, they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn?t go
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn?t catch ?em on
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
We fired our guns and the British kept a?comin?
There wasn?t near as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began a runnin?
On down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.
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I like Monty Python...all I know about the relationship between France and Britain comes from their movies. But, if they try to impose their tea and crumpets on us, we should force them to eat Texas chili and drink Lone Star beer. The third war for independance will be over quickly.
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Reminds me of an old George Carlin bit:
Europe Heaven:
The French are the cooks
The Italians are the lovers
The Swiss run the hotels
The Germans are the engineers
The British are the cops
Europe Hell:
The British are the cooks
The Swiss are the lovers
The French run the hotels
The Italians are the engineers
The Germans are the cops
:^O
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reminded me of the old joke (you can substitute the brand of any beer you wish in here):
Q: Why is Bud-Light like making love on the beach?
A: They're both f***'n near water!
LOL LOL
Thanks for the post, Josh, and the resulting smiles.
--Marcia/Oregon
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We'll have to help support that Bowles woman?
We can vote on whether Prince Charles becomes King?
We'll have to support the Anglican Church even if we don't belong or attend?
Every American will get a country estate?
We'll all get butlers, maids, and cooks?
We'll have horses to ride through the countryside so we can kill foxes?
We'll get rights to our ancestral homes?
We can stop defending Canada?
I'll get back with more questions later.
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The last reason, and the capper: 'Glad not to be English'.
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on a plane ride. She was quite impressed when he engaged in a long nose picking session.
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it would be satire, but I see you posted a documentary.
I haven't drunk lager in years, so it'll be nice to have Pilsener available everywhere. No more gnat's urine at football games!
Cheeriobye, Doug in New Mexico
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Not only do the Brits pronounce it incorrectly, they can't spell it either.
http://zapatopi.net/afdb/history.html
These guys should know!
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Aluminum
Linoleum
Cinnamon
Antarctic
Mayonnaise
Well, there are so very many:
http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/mispron.html
Some can spell it correctly and say it correctly.
Some can spell it correctly but say it incorrectly.
Some spell it incorrectly but say it correctly.
Some spell it incorrectly and also say it incorrectly. <--- I know ALOT of these folks!
I'm sure it happens with all people of all languages for those tricky words.
My Momma and her Momma always put an "r" in "wa_sh" - used to drive me nuts! "I'm going to put some clothes on to *warsh*" "Those folks live in Seattle, *Warshington*."
I gave up years ago in trying to get them to leave out the "r"!! LOL
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There is one thing in particular that really annoys me. That is when people say "I should have did it" instead of "I should have done it". I also think "learned" is actually "learnt". But not sure on that one. "Gotten" doesn't exist in the English language if spoken properly. It is simply "got" as far as I know at least. I may be wrong.
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I prefer to think it means they did it on purpose, since it was "bad" and not a "mistake". Next time they say it, slap the hell out of them. When they are shocked tell them bad things get punished around there, but mistakes are forgiven.
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bring it into line with all those other metallic elements in the periodic table, Magnesium, Sodium, Uranium, etc. When heard in a list of elements like this it stands out like a sore thumb. Of course when heard in a list of other metallic elements like Lead, Gold, Iron, Copper and Manganese, it doesn't stand out at all. Just a question of taste and usage, I pronounced it their way over there and reverted immediately we returned. I've never completely stopped calling gas Petrol though.
Rob Boyter
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must make for interesting f*rts i guess....
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I revive this thread to reveal that it actually has nothing to do with John Cleese:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
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It's a real comic article misattributed to John Cleese. And it's just as funny either way. And some people say conservatives have no sense of humor. Then again judging by the responses to the Mediocritech website, they're right.
Rob Boyter
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