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About the Company Christmas Party

by Dave Konkel [Moderator] / December 14, 2004 2:53 AM PST

DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along!

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light
the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time. No gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3rd
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request. However, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange, since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Hope you're happy.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director

DATE: December 7th
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each
will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director

DATE: December 9th
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Good grief.
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces

DATE: December 10th
Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit, whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them right now... Ha!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me? Get bent!
Patty Lewis The B*tch from Hell

DATE: December 14th
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director

-- Dave K, Speakeasy Moderator
click here to email semods4@yahoo.com

The opinions expressed above are my own,
and do not necessarily reflect those of CNET!

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(NT) (NT) Definately will be forwarding this one!
by Steven Haninger / December 14, 2004 3:01 AM PST
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by John Robie / December 14, 2004 3:13 AM PST

a keeper to forward. Is updated from one I heard in previous years.


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Re: About the Company Christmas Party
by MKay / December 14, 2004 3:43 AM PST

Loved this

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Terry [i]Bishop?!. [/i] That does it!
by drpruner / December 14, 2004 4:15 AM PST

I won't have any part of this! I'm coming in to work on the 23rd!
Regards, Doug the JW Happy

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