Woz survives, apologizes, and calls himself a heel

Tuesday's "Dancing with the Stars" proves Steve Wozniak's conspiracy theory correct. And after being placed in and surviving the dance-off, he apologizes to ABC.

Chris Matyszczyk
3 min read

I wonder if Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and the producers of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars" will meet for coffee and a slice of cake before next week's show.

Earlier on Tuesday, Woz had declared that he was being set up by those cynical Hollywood producer types.

He said that if he was in the bottom two, it would be "an outright lie." And he was convinced that the fix was in for him and his partner, Karina Smirnoff, to be in the dance-off (and win it) in order to boost ratings.

You will be stunned beyond your pajamas to hear that he was, indeed, in the bottom two. And that, yes, he was in the dance-off. And that yes, he won it, leaving a distraught Go-Go girl, Belinda Carlisle, to wonder whether her hip action really had been worse than Woz's fumbling, bumbling, and stumbling legs, arms, torso, and enthusiasm.

Now here's the truly weird thing. When you've set up a conspiracy theory that appears to come true, perhaps the last thing you might be expected to do is apologize to the alleged conspirators. Yet that is precisely what Woz did.

In his latest letter to his dancing Facebook diocese, he said, "Yesterday, I wrote my suspicions of the secret 'Dancing With The Stars' audience vote tabulations. I wrote that the producers were liars, simply because I truly believed in that possibility, not because I had a shred of evidence. I hurt a lot of honest people."

But, Woz, Woz, your conspiracy theory appears to have played out exactly as you predicted!

He was having none of it: "The top people of this show, (the) ones responsible for counting audience votes and keeping them honest, told me all the specific details of where their numbers came from."

Aha. Those wily coyotes of the production world appealed to his sense of numeracy. And then they knew the way to his heart. They showed him their machines.

"I will not upset ABC again. I will not upset ABC again...." CC Eric Rhoads

"I was offered an opportunity to see the equipment they use also. You can tell when things are extremely on the level. You can also see why the exact totals cannot be released. That would make it harder to detect fraud."

Fraud? Did someone mention fraud? Oh, yes, Woz did.

"One main way that they detect fraud is, when the phone-in votes and text votes and Internet votes don't follow each other, percentage-wise. There are other things they look for as well that IT experts would detect as signals of something wrong," he explained.

The appeal to his IT experts' chops seems to have done the trick.

"Conrad (Green) and the other producers are not liars," Woz said. "They are extremely honest people, in my mind...In this case, they are certainly more honorable and honest than myself."

The self-critical salsa didn't stop there: "I was around some swarming emotions yesterday. Now I feel like a heel who stuck his shoe in his mouth, no puns intended."

I don't know about you, but I feel like a large pinot noir.

Here's what we can conclude: One, the supposed geek vote did not materialize in large numbers. If it had, he would not have been in the bottom two. (Because now we know the vote tally is absolutely, totally, unimpeachably honest.)

Two, the folks at ABC and the Woz are putting flowers in their hair and singing of peace, love, and understanding. Conspiracy theories are dead, and next week, the Apple co-founder will dance his lungs beyond their capacity again.

Who knows, perhaps he will be the next Bachelor too? That's an ABC show, isn't it?