Won't someone think of the children?!

Some hilarious pre-iPhone launch FUD.

The Macalope
Born of the earth, forged in fire, the Macalope was branded "nonstandard" and "proprietary" by the IT world and considered a freak of nature. Part man, part Mac, and part antelope, the Macalope set forth on a quest to save his beloved platform. Long-eclipsed by his more prodigious cousin, the jackalope (they breed like rabbits, you know), the Macalope's time has come. Apple news and rumormonger extraordinaire, the Macalope provides a uniquely polymorphic approach. Disclosure.
The Macalope
4 min read

ABC's Ashley Phillips says iPhone fever: Not everyone buys hype.

But some critics believe that the "early adopters" who wait anxiously in line next week outside Apple and AT&T stores... could be in for a nasty surprise.

Really? Which critics think Apple and AT&T's customers are ignorant idiots who know nothing of the product they're going to stand in line for hours and sign away two years of their cellular lives to get?

According to industry analysts, some of the drawbacks are the lack of built-in GPS, which is already widely available in many cell phones...

Yes. It's true that the iPhone does not have every feature of every cell phone available.

Clearly these "industry analysts" must have a must have a very even yardstick for measuring Apple against the competition.

...a lack of media support from Flash...


Ashley, which other phones support Flash? (ADDENDUM: As it turns out, quite a few, as a commenter pointed out. However, most of the phones that support Flash are only available in Japan and most of the ones that support Flash that are available in America support it only as a stand-alone application, not through a browser. Its usefulness drops somewhat substantially when it's not available within the browser. Although, admittedly, its usefulness drops to zero when it's not available at all.)

...and concern that the AT&T cellular network isn't fast enough to handle the iPhone's high-end features.

Ashley, you can have "faster" or "easier to find". Pick one.

But the Macalope's curious. Exactly which "industry analysts" did you talk to?

The phone will also feature a glass touch screen, instead of a plastic one. Robert Enderle, the principal analyst at Enderle Group, believes this move, intended as an improvement, could be a mistake.

Oh, Ashley. Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.

Shame on you.

Rob Enderle - the lazy journalist's best friend.

Because metal doesn't absorb shock, Enderle contends, anyone who drops their precious iPhone will end up with a broken screen and a ruined piece of equipment. "This is a pretty slick phone," he said. "I think dropping it is likely."

Get it?! "Slick"?! Ah, Rob, you rascal. Get out of here!

No, really.

Get out.

But, according to Enderle, design isn't the iPhone's only problem.

Yes. Design is sure to be one of the iPhone's problems.

There is not enough eye rolling the Macalope can do to adequately reflect the absurdity of Rob Enderle lecturing Apple on design.

He says that he believes the company could be opening itself up to class actions.

Oh, this is going to be so awesome.

"A lot of kids are going to get this phone."

What?! Which spoiled little brats are we talking about? And why is it the same people who complain about the price think the iPhone is only for kids?

Kids do a lot of ['blind'] texting on their phones" without looking at the screen, sometimes while they're driving, Enderle said. "With a touch screen phone, you have to look at the screen."

Enderle believes it's possible that teenagers could get into accidents while using the phone and, rightly or wrongly, many parents could end up blaming the manufacturer.

Rob, you magnificent bastard! You've outdone yourself this time!

Yes, you read that right dear reader. Paris Hilton was framed. It was all Apple's fault for including her in the iPhone beta tester program.


"One of these children is going to end up in someone's trunk," he said. "Often it's the vendor that's held accountable."




Furthermore, iPhones commercials, which demonstrate a user going from watching a movie to tapping into the Internet to making a phone call in a matter of seconds, will open Apple up to claims of false advertising, Enderle said.

Although the phone can connect to the Internet in Wi-Fi hot spots, Enderle said that a cellular network won't be able to support the speed depicted in the TV spots.

Having directly pulled that information from his keester. But, yes, Rob's right. Apple should totally have shown the slowest possible speed in its commercials. That would have been the responsible thing to do because everyone expects their lives to be exactly as those portrayed on TV.

Innovative as it may seem, criticism of the touch screen is already beginning to bubble.

Criticism, the Macalope will remind you, of a screen that none of the critics have actually touched.

Look, the Macalope doesn't know if the iPhone is going to be a hit or not. But it certainly seems like the killer feature is the gesture-based input -- a feature this piece doesn't even mention. If the interface works as advertised, it's going to be hit.

Enderle pathetically attempts to distance himself from his absurd horror scenarios of the iPhone literally killing children, but it's too late.

The ever reasonable Michael Gartenberg of Jupiter Research puts a fitting description on Enderle's hatchet-job.

"There's a saying in this business: You can always spot the pioneers, because they're the ones one with the arrows in their backs," Gartenburg said.