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Valentine's garter texts you when your lover cheats

This undergarments accessory contains a microchip that monitors heart rate from the thigh and surface moisture. If the readings are abnormal--or it is removed--it sends out a red flag.

2 min read

She's working late at the office. She says she is catching up on paperwork. But she works at Facebook. Or Google. What paperwork could there be?

However, you know you can trust her. Why? Because if she happens to indulge in extra-marital hanky-panky with a barely-washed coder, you will receive a text. Not from your wife, but from her garter.

This might sound like Boon-filled Mills to you. But it is, in fact, a wonderful invention from GorgeousGarters.com.

These are garters that you can buy for the woman (or man) that you love. They contain a sweet little microchip which monitors the wearer's heart rate from the femoral artery in your lover's thigh. It also keeps an electronic eye on surface moisture.

Should it detect abnormality, you will immediately receive a text.

GorgeousGarters refers to this loving marvel as a "Chastity Garter". And you might imagine that it was created by the insane, or, at least, the insanely jealous.

Screenshot: Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

The Daily Mail informs me that the creators are Lucinda and Edward Hale, a happily married couple. Well, it seems they might almost have been an unhappily married couple.

As Edward Hale related it to the Mail: "A few years ago our relationship nearly fell apart when Lucinda cheated with another man. She told me how much she regretted it and wished there was a way of removing the temptation by making the act of straying impossible to go through with."

Those who have strayed--and don't you even think of picking up that stone, never mind casting it--know how stupid they have felt. They know how much they have thrown away for the sake of, well, minutes of fun.

So in the Hales we have a couple who would make many a shrink proud. They communicate. And how. For they nuzzled their heads together to create this garter which comes in two varieties. They sound as if they were named after adult performers: Chastity Lace and Chastity Silk.

Could anyone think of a more perfect Valentine's gift, one that brings equal joy to both parties in a loving and lasting relationship?

There are those so-called modern thinkers who might find this creation a little oppressive. They might balk at the idea that, should the garter be removed, a text message is also sent. They might even suggest that men should wear a garter over the appropriate part of their anatomy. They may have a point.

However, those who wish to preserve our nation's way of life will, no doubt, offer that this is technology working to preserve everything that is good and right and whole in our world. This is technology stepping in before the lawyers do.

This is love, actually actualized. How could one wish for more than that?