I am a little on the touchy-feely side. On the right side of touchy-feely, of course. But it's the Polish blood, you see. Feel first, think later. Like Chopin. But not so much like Roman Polanski.
This touchy-feelingness means I've never bought a T-shirt on Amazon. However, I am rather tempted to sacrifice this principle, and any feelings attached to it, in favor of a T-shirt that features three wolves howling at the moon.
Oh, it doesn't seem like all that wondrous a design. It's just that, well, the reviews it's received on Amazon suggest it might have powers beyond this world. And, perhaps, even the next one.
Take the story of B.Govern from New Jersey. B's life has clearly been altered by the purchase of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt.
"After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-Mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!)"
He continues: "The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him."
Needless to say, once he is inside Wal-Mart, B finds the woman of his dreams, who has, according to him, slightly asthmatic breathing.
But wait, B's experience is not an isolated one.
Take the commitment of Chance McClain: "I am getting married this August and this is the only item on my registry. I hope to get hundreds of them."
The Three Wolf Moon T-shirt appears to work for women, too.
L. Margaux Miller writes: "Let me tell you something, and I don't care whether you believe me, because it's TRUE. The second I opened the box and put the shirt on, I was bathed in reassurance and self-confidence. I decided to put it to the test and actually went out to get some groceries."
So what do you think happened? "Not only could I speak to men AND WOMEN, but everything that flowed out from between my lips was witty and smooth, and I swept BOTH SEXES off their feet. I got seven phone numbers in one hour!! And I tried them all, and they are ALL REAL."
But not quite as extraordinary as the experience of C. Belanger: "I purchased the 3 wolf moon shirt while on vacation in Utah but I forgot it in the hotel room. Imagine my surprise when 7 weeks later, I heard a knock at my door back home. It was 3 wolf moon! It walked all the way to my house by itself. Excellent fit, too."
Out of 293 reviews thus far, the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt has received 231 5-star ratings.
As reviewer C. Hethcoat "Spartacus" says: "The creator of this glorious shirt never thought he would bring such exuberation to so many people."
Exuberation, indeed. Or perhaps he just has a lot of friends. Friends who like to write. Friends who like to write a lot when they're exuberated. Or perhaps, as they say in certain parts of California, stoned.
On the other hand, some of these reviews just might be, um, parodies. Surely not.