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The biggest secrets on people's smartphones? (Clue: not sexts)

Research into what things people most want to keep to themselves on their phones shows that there are truths more embarrassing than naked truths.

Now let's see what he's got in here.
Sorina Maghet/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

We are our phones. Our phones are us.

Which means that whatever we keep inside those smart little things encapsulates every aspect of our troubled characters.

Clearly, there are some aspects that we'd like to keep well hidden. Which is why a fascinating piece of research has attempted to discern just where our weakest point lies.

Performed on behalf of Clean Master -- a KS Mobile product that claims to be able to really, really delete naked Snapchats -- this research attempted to reveal the naked truth.

It asked 1,000 apparently honest Americans what was the one thing on their smartphones that they hoped no one else would ever see.

The natural American response would be "naked pictures of me." Nudity is so feared in the United States that one sometimes wonders if its exposure causes brain damage. Or, at least, coronary conniptions.

Yet this research suggests that Americans have an even greater personal taboo: their bank information.

This is odd, given that most Americans are only too happy to reveal how much they earn and what wise investments they have secreted in their fancily-named portfolios.

Here, a fulsome 25 percent said they would be most mortified to have this information be seen by someone else.

So how many feared their naked snaps would be seen? A piffling 8 percent.

It may well be that this research happened to randomly select 1,000 very beautiful people. Or, coincidentally, an ungodly proportion of nudists.

Still, the second most embarrassing content from their phones that these people didn't want revealed was e-mails and texts. Because, you know, everyone except Eric Schmidt has something to hide.

The three groups of people who represent the greatest threat to cause the greatest embarrassment if they happened upon your smartphone are -- in order -- friends, children, and co-workers.

Strangers and criminals come far down the list. Because they don't know you, so how bad can it be?

You're still fascinated by nudity, though, aren't you? So please allow me to help you with that. Twice as many men as women admitted they had naked pictures of themselves on their phones.

I cannot confirm that this is because they use them to impress on Tinder, or because they are so disgracefully vain that naked selfies are the first things they look at in the morning.

Moreover, four times as many men as women admitted they had naked pictures of other people on their phones.

There is something very healthy, though, to learn that Americans still find money more precious than anything else.

I was fearing our nation was slipping for a moment.