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Snappy answers to stupid technology questions

Here's a technology version of the Mad Magazine classic "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions."

Mad Magazine
DC Comics

I was an avid reader of Mad Magazine in my youth. My favorite piece was called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." I have no idea if they still do it, or if Al Jaffee - who I believe created the piece - still writes for Mad.

That aside, if you don't mind a side of satire with your technology, and in honor of one of the few things I did in my youth that didn't involve pissing off my parents or breaking the law, here are my Snappy Answers to Stupid Technology Questions:

Q: Does your new laptop computer get very hot?
A: Just a minute, my pants are on fire.

Q: Does Microsoft really want to buy Yahoo!?
A: No, it's dumping $44.6 billion to qualify as a nonprofit organization.

Q: Does Eric Schmidt deserve his billions?
A: Sure, and I deserve to be married to Scarlett Johansson.

Q: Does Jerry Yang have a chance of turning around Yahoo!?
A: Does a chicken have lips?

Q: Is the Sirius - XM Satellite merger good for consumers?
A: Nobody cares about consumers.

Q: Are you a gadget junky with no life?
A: Nope, I'm just allergic to the sun.

Q: Has Microsoft abused its monopoly power?
A: Is Bill Gates a nerd?
A: Is Steve Ballmer loud?

Q: Why does everyone give Steve Ballmer such a hard time?
A: Because he's a billionaire who drives an old Ford.

Q: Are technology CEOs are overpaid?
A: I hear everybody gets multi-million dollar exit packages.

Q: Is Steve Jobs a great marketer?
A: No, it's just that every other marketing guy in Silicon Valley sucks.

Q: How do you feel about spam, spyware, identity theft, and internet security?
A: Great, how do you feel about hemorrhoids?

Q: How's your investment portfolio doing?
A: I'm in tech stocks; thanks for asking, jerk.

Q: What's it like working as an engineer?
A: I thought slavery was abolished.

Q: What wine goes with corned beef and cabbage?
A: Beer.
(I know that one isn't tech related; I just couldn't resist, it being St. Patrick's Day and all)

Got any good snappy answers to stupid technology questions of your own?