If you haven't yet sniffed out "S*** My Dad Says," you have missed a chronicle of someone who is chronically honest.
Sam Halpern used to work in nuclear medicine at University of California at San Diego. His son, Justin, having been forced to move back in with his parents, one day thought it might be fun to start a Twitter page dedicated to the stuff that emerges from his dad's mind via his pleasant potty mouth.
The result makes Archie Bunker look like the kind old weather man on a regional TV station in Florida. For example, here is Sam's bon mot of February 9: "I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule s***...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
There is a rule that once more than a million people follow you on Twitter, you're either already on TV or you soon will be. So who would offer even the slightest "you s******* me?" to discover that the Twitter phenomenon is reportedly being made into a TV pilot. And the network behind it is CBS, CNET's parent company.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Captain Kirk himself, the man some Trekkies refer to as William S***ner, after he began to make fun of them, will be taking up the role of Sam Halpern.
Justin Halpern is co-writing the script, and the Reporter reports that the title of the show just might not be quite the same as that of the Twitter page. Perhaps it will be "Stuff My Dad Says." Or "Papa the Potty Mouth."
Perhaps, though, you might be a little queasy about the casting. While Shatner created a fine, Emmy-winning curmudgeonly presence in "Boston Legal," he was a very patrician and privileged Denny Crane. Sam Halpern is not merely a little rougher around the edges, he is rougher at his very heart than anything the skirt-chasing, perhaps-Alzheimery Denny Crane could ever muster.
Take this from January 23: "Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?...Well I did, so spare me your dog-s*** diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle." Or this from January 9: "Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of s*** in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."
Then there's this utter delight to celebrate the New Year: "Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a f****** parade every time I take a piss."
Where often naughty words are gratuitous, Sam Halpern's invective is such a fundamental part of his being that it is hard to imagine these meaningful four- and seven-letter words not exiting from your flat-screen TV.
Justin Halpern, though, believes that his dad has always been sanguine about the Twitter feed, which has been going only since August 3. He told the Los Angeles Times: "He really doesn't give a crap."
So it can't be called "Crap My Dad Gives," right?