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Sega Toylet games aim to please

Toylets are Sega games that males can play while relieving themselves. The test market: Japan.


Oh, don't tell me you've never thought about it.

There you are in the restroom. And, just for a fleeting moment, you wish there would be something more you could do than stare at an ad. Or at the graffiti that says Josh loves Ginny. Or Jimmy.

You'd love to be able do something a little more interactive. Sega understands the warmth and depth of your emotions. This is why the company has announced Toylets, video games controlled by your urine stream.

The games are for those who cannot live without being a first-person shooter.

Toylets, according to Japan's Akihabara News, are truly repositories of both pleasure and pressure.

To prevent fulmination during urination, a pressure sensor is slipped inside the toilet bowl. You, the gamer, must focus and direct your urine at that sensor. The display on an LCD screen above the toilet grades your efforts.

To keep it exciting, there are four games, each with its own intellectual stream.

Mannequin Pis calculates how much urine you have released into the great beyond.

In Graffiti Eraser, you must attempt to urinate as forcefully as you can in order to remove graffiti from a virtual wall on the gaming screen.

Milk from Nose asks you to consider who was the previous occupant of your stall and to see whether you can beat the person in the maximum flow department.

You will be wondering why on earth such a beautiful concept would be called Milk from Nose. Well, the gaming visual here is a couple of sumo wrestlers who emit milk from their noses--the jets of which thrust their opponent out of the ring.

You will, hopefully, already be snorting physical elements from your nostrils before I tell you about The North Wind and Her.

This delightful repository of lavatory joy is a game in which your urine represents the wind. It is a wind full of mischievous humor, for the more strongly you manage to release your matter, the more likely you are to raise a woman's skirt above her waist.

Sega is currently testing these lavatorial labors of love in Tokyo metro stations.

Perhaps some might wonder what possible social benefit might be gained from these games. Might this be an attempt to ensure that urine is sprayed more accurately, reducing the potential for ill-directed splashing?

I fear not. Instead, this seems to be an attempt to get you to pay a little more attention to advertisers, whose pitches will be released intermittently between the streams of action.

However, there is one facet that I know will excite many before they venture to the faucet. Should any player do especially well at any particular game, they will be able to, um, download the information and save it to a USB stick that may, temporarily, resemble a USP stick.

I know I express the feelings of millions when I say I hope this Toylet training run will be a vast success. I know there is nothing more that I would like than to install one in my own home, so my dinner party guests can enjoy special entertainment between courses.