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Samsung tries to patent the story of your life

A very peculiar patent application from Samsung contains an attempt to record everything -- that would be everything -- you do through your cell phone and present it in diary form.

Just imagine the stories that your Galaxy could tell.

We all love ourselves so much these days that everything we do takes on the piquancy of deep significance.

We need to share as much of it as we can. We need to tell as many people as we can -- even if we don't know them.

So Samsung, in what can only be an attack of heightened public service, has determined that all of your activity through your cell phone should be recorded and presented to you as a beautiful tale.

I am grateful to Engadget for noticing this patent application titled: "Apparatus and Method for Generating Story According to User Information."

The idea seems to be that all of the data you push, press, and click into your phone will be turned into a daily Hollywood screenplay. You know, based on a true story.

Here's a sentence from the application: "The analysis unit analyzes the log information collected from the information collection unit and decides at least one topic representing the user's daily life information."

You might be wondering on what basis it will "decide" which topic might be the most representative -- or, indeed, the most fascinating. Still, this will be a machine defining your life, not merely collecting the information.

Here's another sentence: "The story generator generates at least one sentence representing the user's daily life information using the at least one topic decided in the analysis unit."

Guess what happens after that? Yes, the definition of your life -- that day, at least -- will be displayed on your Samsung Galaxy S6. (I am dreaming a little here.)

The possibilities are endless, as are the perverted conclusions.

Imagine if, on any given day, you make an appointment with a doctor, receive a text from a friend about a business appointment at a lapdancing club and perform five Google searches related to J.K. Rowling.

What story might your phone make out of that? A fairly freaky one, surely. And what if it displays your little story just as your lover is picking up your phone?

I see heartache. I see tears. I see really bad storytelling.

I think it'll be a huge hit.