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Phew! Britain has anti-alien weapons

Just when you thought the world was defenseless against beings from outer space, along comes a former British Government adviser to declare that the nation has anti-alien weapons ready.

Will it be scary?
Windsor Adams/Flickr (with permission)

I've become a bit of a worrier of late.

Not because I worry about the coming election, Windows 8, or things that seem to move in my fridge.

No, it's the idea that with man proving he can leap in from outer space, outer-spaceans might try to do the same.

I am sure that our government will want to reassure us. I know that President Obama has told NASA to call him the minute aliens land.

But how can we possibly defend against outerworld beings? We don't seem terribly good at defeating inter-world ones.

Thankfully, I bring good news: the Brits will save the world.

MSN News brings me fine details from a man who worked at Britain's Ministry of Defense for 21 years.

Nick Pope -- for this is his name -- told MSN:

We do have several prototype aircraft and drones and other weapons you won't see on the news for another 10-15 years so if we did face a threat from the unknown then even if there is no Torchwood around now, there would be something like it by then and they certainly would have some great kit to help in the fight.

Should you be unfamiliar with Torchwood, it is a British TV series that spun off from "Doctor Who" and features fine alien-hunters in, um, Wales.

Pope appeared to admit that aliens were around. He told MSN: "My colleagues and I said, whatever our official position -- the one we gave to the public, media or parliament -- privately, where 5 percent of UFO sightings remained unexplained, at the very least there has to be a potential threat."

Indeed. If you listen to Stephen Hawking, he rather fears that aliens might despise us.

Pope is confident that aliens have already visited. He tells the story of a visitation in the 1980s in Suffolk, England. There were witnesses to an alleged alien apparition.

Investigators apparently found indentations in the ground that suggested a close encounter. They also discovered radiation 8 times human norms.

So did Pope and his people warn their subjects?

He told MSN: "We told parliament there was 'no defense significance' but did so with tongue firmly in cheek because you cannot have a UFO land between two defense bases without it being of enormous defense significance."

So the British parliament is not very bright? That's a little worrying.

What is surely also worrying is the concept that drones, aircraft, and other terrestrial weaponry will be enough to fight those from worlds of which we are unaware.

That the Brits might have weaponry that is 15 years ahead of what's in the news might mean nothing against aliens who might be 115 years ahead of us in every conceivable way.

Surely a better way of avoiding alien wrath is to show them a couple of Kardashian shows, a few political debates, "50 Shades of Grey," the lines outside Apple stores at launch day, one session of the United Nations, most American beer and Hello Kitty and say: "Please don't destroy us. We're doing a very fine job by ourselves."